May you, too, get thrown out of boring places on your birthday.
- A 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck Turkey on Saturday. The temors caused a several moments of calm as people knew that nobody can shoot at each other accurately for those few precious seconds.
- A federal judge ruled that the NSA gathering of telephone data is legal, saying in his brief, “look, man, I don’t want any trouble.”
- A large gang of teenagers stormed a shopping mall in Brooklyn, causing chaos, fear and damage. Mall officials could only disperse the teens after making them realize that Brooklyn is not in New Jersey.
- A group of penguins at a zoo in Korea were dressed in Santa costumes, to the delight of young and old. Young and old people, that is. The penguins seemed indifferent and at times mildly annoyed for some reason.
- The AARP has released a list of 22 activities people should never do again after turning 50, like going roller skating or doing a split. They cut the original list down because #23 is not to waste any of the precious little time you have left reading a list that is one thousand items long.
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- Mike Tyson is still in what he calls the toughest fight of his life – being a responsible adult. His problem primarily stems from the fact that he keeps trying punch responsibility in the face, bite it, and run it over with his car.
- A group of Americans was airlifted out of South Sudan because that’s how Americans leave Africa.
- An American man was sentenced to one year in prison in the United Arab Emirates for making a parody video of that nation’s teen culture. Meanwhile in America, Gallagher is still walking around a free man.
- Dennis Rodman says he’s left North Korea without ever seeing Kim Jong Un. Actually, he did see him, but the guy is just so tiny.
- Over 1200 packets of heroin found in Massachusetts were labeled ‘Obama Care.’ Fox News is calling the story ‘a Christmas miracle,’ adding, “No, not a Holiday miracle. There’s no such thing as a Holiday miracle. It’s a Christmas miracle. And by that, yes, we mean literal intervention by God.”
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- A judge in Utah has overturned that state’s ban on gay marriage, causing a rush of marriage license applications at the county clerk’s office, and enraging opponents, who say no government building should be fabulous.
- Mike Tyson, at 47, says he’s facing the greatest fight of his life, which is ‘being responsible.’ Executives at Pay Per View Fights expect very low viewer sales.
- A group is suing California over a new transgender bathroom law. The group says no such bathroom can exist because the stencil illustration of the person on the door would be impossible to identify.
- Britain has spent 44 million dollars revamping Stonehenge. The monument is now surrounded by a more natural, original environment. Upon hearing of the upgrades, American tourists arrived, wondering where the roller coaster and iMax theater are.
- Here are some rules to follow when giving gifts at the office. Rule #1 is ‘sexy underwear is a bad idea.’ Rule #2 is ‘joke, novelty underwear is also bad.’