Category Archives: News Headlines

News Headlines

  • Mike Tyson is still in what he calls the toughest fight of his life – being a responsible adult. His problem primarily stems from the fact that he keeps trying punch responsibility in the face, bite it, and run it over with his car.
  • A group of Americans was airlifted out of South Sudan because that’s how Americans leave Africa.
  • An American man was sentenced to one year in prison in the United Arab Emirates for making a parody video of that nation’s teen culture. Meanwhile in America, Gallagher is still walking around a free man.
  • Dennis Rodman says he’s left North Korea without ever seeing Kim Jong Un. Actually, he did see him, but the guy is just so tiny.
  • Over 1200 packets of heroin found in Massachusetts were labeled ‘Obama Care.’ Fox News is calling the story ‘a Christmas miracle,’ adding, “No, not a Holiday miracle. There’s no such thing as a Holiday miracle. It’s a Christmas miracle. And by that, yes, we mean literal intervention by God.”

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News Headlines

  • A judge in Utah has overturned that state’s ban on gay marriage, causing a rush of marriage license applications at the county clerk’s office, and enraging opponents, who say no government building should be fabulous.
  • Mike Tyson, at 47, says he’s facing the greatest fight of his life, which is ‘being responsible.’ Executives at Pay Per View Fights expect very low viewer sales.
  • A group is suing California over a new transgender bathroom law. The group says no such bathroom can exist because the stencil illustration of the person on the door would be impossible to identify.
  • Britain has spent 44 million dollars revamping Stonehenge. The monument is now surrounded by a more natural, original environment. Upon hearing of the upgrades, American tourists arrived, wondering where the roller coaster and iMax theater are.
  • Here are some rules to follow when giving gifts at the office. Rule #1 is ‘sexy underwear is a bad idea.’ Rule #2 is ‘joke, novelty underwear is also bad.’

 

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News Headlines

  • North Korea has sent an ‘order for merciless treatment’ to South Korea via fax. But the paper was all curled and the ink was smudged and they  could have just been sending an ‘order for more toner ink’ to the wrong number.
  • Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea, in what is now believed to be the result of a long series of wrongly sent faxes.
  • Blackberry has announced 4.4 billion dollars in losses. Company executives said they were just happy to have Blackberry mentioned in the news.
  • Google has purchased a company that makes military robots, strengthening the position that Google is really a self-aware computer that we will soon all be running from.
  • A new government bill would require cell phones to have a ‘kill switch.’ As soon as the bill is enacted, if a person is suspected of disobeying Google, their cell phone will kill them.

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News Headlines

  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to Russia. Also straight athletes, just FYI.
  • Russian President Putin has implemented a series of ‘anti-gay propaganda’ laws, he says, to protect his society from demonstrations that could at any point become festive.
  • Stocks hit a record as the Fed tapers off stimulus. And from what I know of these things, those words might have to do with money.
  • A disorder called ‘affluenza’ has been identified to describe wealthy people who have a sense of entitlement and behave irresponsibly, in a condition that is not nearly as contagious as people wish it was.
  • A woman who was scrolling on facebook was so focussed on her phone screen that she walked off a pier in Australia. When police asked her what happened, she said “nothing.” After her post on the incident appeared on her screen, she said, “okay, now it has actually happened.”

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News Headlines

  • A new billion-pixel digital space telescope is in orbit. Its operators say it’s powerful enough to measure a human fingernail from the moon, and that it is tasked with taking 3D images of the galaxy. The NSA is not saying why it’s pointed inward at Earth.
  • NASA astronauts say they’re more prepared than ever to conduct short notice emergency space walks. They say they need to be able to react quickly when a suitcase flies off the roof rack and they have to stop and go out and retrieve it.
  • A new amnesty ruling may free Pussy Riot, in a possible Christmas miracle that you will never be able to share with your children.
  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to the Russian Olympics, despite Russia’s history of discrimination. Gay athletes were going to have their own games, but the opening ceremony alone would take 3 days, cost billions, and the athletes would need 2 weeks to recover before competition began.
  • Airlines are trying to make boarding planes faster and easier. So far they’ve come up with having fewer employees, smaller seats and less cabin storage, and higher fees for something, as soon as they find something they’re not already charging you extra for.

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News Headlines

  • The Chinese moon rover has begun exploring the lunar surface, and is learning that everything everybody already knows about the moon is, in fact, true.
  • Former heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield is has joined a group to help try to solve the social turmoil is Syria. When asked what he would be able to bring to the table on the Syria problem, Holyfield said, “hopefully they need boxing.”
  • French President Francois Hollande has announced that he will not attend the upcoming Olympic games in Russia, shortly after Germany’s president Joacaim Gouck announced he would not attend, in protest of Russia’s record of human rights abuses. So that’s 2 fewer seat fans in the stadium, which should fix all human rights problems in Russia.
  • Spanish pro golfer Sergio Garcia has won the Thailand golf championship. He says he owes his victory to his girlfriend, because those Spanish really know what to say to a girl.
  • A new report is listing the 10 best places to spend Christmas. It differs for each person because you enter some information and it tells you the 10 places where your mother-in-law is least likely to be.

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News Headlines

  • British researchers estimated the amount of alcohol consumed by the character of James Bond, and determined he would be an alcoholic. Also, he’d be a mass murderer, and he’d have roughly 300 children. And he would have been killed five minutes into the first movie anyway.
  • Experts in cyber etiquette say it’s impolite to take a selfie at a funeral. And it’s especially rude to do rabbit ears behind the corpse.
  • Prince Harry and his team of adventurers have reached the South Pole. Let’s see his stupid perfect big brother do that!
  • The world leaders who attended Nelson Mandela’s memorial service are being praised for braving the rain. It’s not quite as brave as enduring 27 years of prison and then peacefully toppling an oppressive government, but still, it was raining.
  • Beyonce has dropped a surprise album. Apparently she woke up this morning to find she had recorded, mixed and produced it in her sleep. She hasn’t seen the videos yet, but they’re probably good, too.

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News Headlines

  • Former President George W. Bush showed Hillary Clinton some of his artwork. Hillary said it was totally wonderful and she particularly liked the… horse? No, it’s a dog, of course it’s a dog, and it’s going right up here on the fridge.
  • Sony and Microsoft are reportedly in a console war. This is being called good news because they’re two of the very few groups in the world who are not currently at the actual violent kind of war.
  • The city of Monaco is reportedly one of the most expensive places in the world to buy realestate, where it can cost one million U.S. dollars per area roughly 1/16th the size of a tennis court. If you want an idea of how expensive that is, you can’t have one because you’re normal.
  • As soccer gains popularity in the U.S., many reports are becoming unclear as U.S. football and the world name for soccer of ‘football’ are increasingly overlapping in the news. To be able to tell the difference, just remember that when the score is always zero, that’s soccer. Also, player concussions are football and fan concussions are soccer.
  • Several new reports agree that political instability is on the rise throughout the world. The reports were conducted by everyone everywhere who is able to notice anything.

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News Headlines

  • Pope Francis was named Time Magazine’s 2013 Person of the Year. The Pope responded by saying, “this sort of accolade does not really mean anything. If it did, there’d be a little cash in it for me.”
  • The founder of a French breast implant manufacturer has been jailed for fraud. A French prosecutor said he was outraged when he realized that his favorite topless dancer’s breasts weren’t real.
  • NASA has released an illustration of a possible extinct lake on Mars, which may have contained sufficient material to support life. NASA then drew some little Martians flying around on jet packs and having a laser gun fight, saying that also could have happened, and that studying rocks from very far away for your entire career can get pretty boring.
  • 200,000 people have already applied to be among the first to live on Mars. NASA then had to reiterate that the illustration of those Martians was not real.
  •  Co-star of the hit TV sitcom Modern Family, Sophia Vergara, shares her secrets to success. First, be really stunningly gorgeous. Then, just still be gorgeous, and that’s it.

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News Headlines

  • It has been revealed that the NSA has been spying on players of World of Warcraft. Until this fact was made public, everyone just thought there was a really awesome player out there named NSA69.
  • A 12-year old middle school boy has discovered how cold weather can effect the trajectory of a golfball. The study could decrease a players golf score, though the boy still hasn’t worked out how to decrease the number of wedgies he gets.
  • China has launched its first ever unmanned rover to the moon in its race to space versus its western aerospace rivals. Its biggest challenge will be navigating around all the western nations’ old abandoned rovers from 50 years ago.
  • Britney Spears has one serious regret in her career. Shaving her head? No. Marrying her friend in Vegas for 5 hours? Nope. Flopping at the Grammys a couple years ago. Nu-uh. Let’s see… filming Crossroads? Noooope. Dumping Justin Timberlake for K. Fed? Still no. That reality show. That’s the one thing. Just that one.
  • Apple and Microsoft may merge in 5 to 10 years, so be prepared at that point for space/time to collapse on itself.

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