Pakistan Launches Test Nuke,
Destroys Swath of Own Capital
“Actually went better than expected,”
said surviving scientist.
The Pakistani weapons testing program reached a new pinnacle of achievement over the weekend with the successful launch and detonation of a surface-to-surface, low-yield nuclear missile.
“The guidance system needs work, obviously,” said Zudwah Hamfir, lead scientist of Pakistan’s nuclear testing program, and supervisor of the weekend’s test. “Fortunately, we had the good sense to evacuate Kabul beforehand. After all the towns we went through in the development of our conventional weapons arsenal, it just made sense.”
The Pakistani missile defense program has it’s origins in the early ‘90’s, when that nation’s top scientists capitalized on the opportunity to study the wide range of unexploded ordinances that had flown off target from U. S. war ships during the first Gulf War. In order to land on Pakistani soil, a missile launched from a ship in the Persian Gulf had to veer off of its 700-mile course to Iraq by a minimum of 1300 miles.
When asked to comment on the high rate of these near misses, an official U.S. military press release stated, “if we’d missed by any less than that, we would have hit Iran. Think of the diplomatic headache we’d be dealing with then. You know, you press guys never look at the bright side of anything, GOD!”
Hamfir remembers those days in the in the ‘90’s well. “We learned so much back then,” he said, sounding wistful. “People like farmers and such would bring us unexploded bombs for money, and we’d try to dismantle them. We were like kids at the playground, with a couple of hammers and crowbars, not knowing what kind of trouble we were going to get ourselves into each day.”
Hamfir continued, “we have to take our jobs a lot more seriously these days. The Americans are providing less research material, so we have to rely much more on our own test builds, so progress has slowed. Also, it’s not quite the glamour job it used to be. I mean, it’s not even considered a risky job anymore,” referring to the fact that all Pakistani state run industries have roughly a 25 to 40% mortality rate, from weapons testing to pharmaceuticals to waste management.
Hamfir continued, “but the Americans have remained very supportive. They promised to rebuild everything they’ve destroyed so far in the fight against terrorism, and we’re confident they will aid us in the rebuilding of our great capital city. That neighborhood was pretty run-down anyway.”
To Hamfir, Pakistan’s close ties to the U.S. make sense. “Many of us were educated in the United States, go Huskers! …and a few of us have decided we don’t want to go work for The Man,” he said, making quote marks in the air, and referring to the many local, high-paying terrorist groups. “We take great pride in our work. We want to send a message that is heard by the world, that if we had to we could turn our destructive power outward. I just hope I’m not alive to see such a terrible day.”
Hamfir has little to worry about on this matter, as statistically, he won’t be.