“I may as well just lick this train and stick it right on my thighs.”
- North Korean military leaders have announced that their soldiers would act as ‘human bullets’ for their leader, Kim Jong Un. The announcement came after that nation realized they do not own any actual bullets.
- A Croatian soccer player has been banned from play because he has inspired some fans to chant pro-Nazi rhetoric. The World Cup Soccer Committee says they took action because, “sometimes you just gotta take a stand, and ‘Nazis are bad’ seems like kind of a no-brainer.”
- A high school student in Duluth, Georgia was suspended for harassment because he hugged a teacher. Administrators said it was their only option because it was their first time ever dealing with a student appreciating a teacher.
- Jerusalem has a small, little known Ethiopian community. It’s little known mostly because they’re just living there peacefully and not trying to destroy or murder anybody.
- A 2-year budget deal has passed an important Senate vote. But members of Congress still find themselves at an impasse because they have forgotten what to do after making progress. They say they will spend the holiday break reading up on what step two is again.
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- The school board of Houston, Texas is the latest to ban all mascots thought to be offensive. The gain in popularity of this trend has students at Finger Lakes Middle School concerned they may lose their beloved mascot, “The Middle Finger.”
- The body of Nelson Mandela was returned for burial to his boyhood hometown of Qunu. The people of that town say, “Qunu is where Mandela always belonged.” Members of the former Apartheid regime that Mandela toppled in Johannesburg added, “we think so, too.”
- The man who faked sign language translation during Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has a criminal past. It has been discovered that he used to translate for American tourists to non-English speakers by just yelling really loud English at everyone.
- The Chinese spacecraft has landed on the moon. Mission scientists plan to spend the first day driving the rover around knocking over all the other flags that are already stuck in the ground everywhere.
- A group of gun rights advocates in Rhode Island is voting to recall some city council members for changing some gun laws. Most residents of Rhode Island responded by saying, “there are gun laws?”
- Khloe Kardashian has filed for divorce. Everything was going fine in her marriage, but she says that divorce is just totally in right now.
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- 23-year old Jennifer Grout may win this season’s competition of Arab’s Got Talent. Her fans in the U.S., for the sake of her health and safety, are really hoping she suffers a crushing and public defeat by a man.
- International authorities suspect a political shake-up in North Korea. Evidence of a restructuring that is typical for that nation is being reported, as leaders who have voiced disapproval of the current political system are being found without their heads.
- Famed adventurer Bear Grylls is expanding his Survival Academy training courses to now include Africa. The new course is surprisingly quick and inexpensive given the vast political, military, cultural and natural dangers ever-present throughout the continent. You pay your money and then you get an email from Bear Grylls that says “do not, under any circumstances, ever go to Africa, ever.”
- GM announced that it will discontinue its Chevy brand sales in Europe. Europeans responded by saying, “we could buy a Chevy in Europe?”
- There is evidence that smoking marijuana can cause man boobs. There is also evidence that smoking marijuana while reading the news article about man boobs can cause hours of uncontrolled giggling.
- Senator Rand Paul has outlined his plan to help the city of Detroit to recover. He wants everyone there to just work like he did to become successful – be born to a wealthy family, become a physician, and then get elected to the Senate where the pay and benefits are awesome.
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- What’s the fall fashion trend for the redefined business casual?
I can’t stress enough how important it is to cover your privates, and not just with a clipboard, no matter how casual any establishment says it is willing to be. As always, tight fitting, retro styles are popular among all those fashionistos who still rely heavily on their high school wardrobe. And wearing glasses is a nice touch when contact lenses aren’t covered on your mom’s insurance, even though your optometrist says that your eyeballs are not perfect circles and he’s never seen that before, and that contacts would just pop off anyway. And, glasses add a touch of credibility when, say, debating with a video store attendant whether a refund is in order for the fine you paid on the VHS tape you finally found under your mini-fridge that you put there so it would stop wobbling and spilling your half-finished soda cans. And, glasses provide nice eye protection when getting escorted out of said video store. Also, pull your sock up. It turns out no one wants to see the ingrown hairs on your shins.