Humor Sentiments and Cards

 

(All writing and visuals are the property of Hallmark Cards, Inc.)

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Myrna looked more like
her husband every year.

(inside)
Even after all these years,
thank goodness you don’t look anything like me.

 

 

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They thought they heard it was a ‘Buddhist colony’
but hell yes they were staying.

 

 

 

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“I’ve got your blood thinner, your potassium injections, your testosterone, And your
muscle cramp relaxer.”

 

(inside)
The sex toys may change,
but the love stays the same.

 

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“Ha ha!  Balls!  I just got that!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The waiting room for the mug shots was as fun as the party that got them arrested in the first place.

 

 

 

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“Should I go with Business Boobs, or Party Boobs?”

 

 

(inside)
On your birthday,
definitely Party Boobs.

 

 

 

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Screen Shot Up Yours

 

 

 

 

Another year of giving a big, fat “up yours”
to the Grimm Reaper.

 

 

 

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At the exact moment of her death,
Phyllis could not have been happier.

 

(inside)
May you be as happy as
Phyllis, for as long.

 

 

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“You’ve still got glitter
on your cleavage.”
“I’ll shower before church.”

 
(inside)
We’ll be tearing it up
for quite a few years to come.

 

 

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             “I may as well just lick this train and stick it right on my thighs.”

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you’re stupid.”

 

 

(inside)

I’m not so sure that getting older
is the source of all our problems.

 

 

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 “No, ladies, not cocoa butter.
Just butter.”

 

 

 

(inside)
I hope you don’t get attacked
by seagulls on your birthday.

 

 

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He was the Chicken Man.
And the Chicken Man was
good at one thing.
And that one thing was drywall.

 

 

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Screen shot Snake Pig Tails

 

 

 

Let me know if you need me
to back you up by screaming
like a little baby girl in a skirt
and pigtails.

 

 

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“I wish I’d never taken that one jazz dance class.
Then, I’d never know.”

(inside)
No regrets, my friend.  No regrets.

 

 

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“And God, I’ve been praying
for a while now for the ability
to melt faces with my anger,
and I really don’t think it’s
too much to ask.”

 

 

(inside)
I hope you get everything
you ask for on your birthday.

 

 

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 “I’ve come to really enjoy our quiet afternoons together, Timmy.”

“Me, too, ma’am.”

 

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Screen shot Shrub Friend

 

 

 

 

I’ve hardly had time to miss you at all
with all the new friends I’m making.

 

 

 

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Screen shot Head Shaved

 

 

 

 

 

‘Loser gets his head shaved’
isn’t quite the high stakes
it used to be.

 

 

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 She had ten grand cash and a fake passport,
and the girls were just rounding the corner to pick her up.

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rosa finally figured out how to
draw attention away from her
huge feet.

 

 

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“Five more minutes, honey.”

(inside)
Hope you get some much deserved rest today.

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

Screen shot Prince Charming

 

 

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“Now, this orange is more expensive, but it’s organic.”

“This kid eats orange crayons. I’ll take the cheap ones.”

 

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Understanding Women:    A Support Group For Men

“Okay, has anyone figured out anything about women since last time?
One thing.  Anyone?
No?  Okay.
Let’s adjourn until next time.”

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is, his dating web site
headshot was totally accurate.

 

 

 

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“We’ll always have each other.”

“Thanks, man.”

(He was talking to the beer.)

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