Tofu is a great alternative because… Wait, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I have the heart of a poet, and the soul of a poet.  I just don’t have the poems of a poet.

If you can’t kill them with kindness, then wound them with a stapler or your keys.  Or sick me on them.

Sometimes I’ll think about something you said, and I’ll laugh, and then the other people choosing tomatoes at the grocery store will wonder what’s so funny about that tomato.

I can give a man a sly, discrete, sexy wink, but only if I hold the other eye-lid open with my finger.

I should really learn more about the econom(zzzzzz).

Thanks.  You really saved my butt. Next time, please just save half of it.

Having a little brother taught me how to deal with danger.  Now, I laugh at danger.  I headlock and wedgie danger.  I grab danger’s wrists and hit danger in the chest with danger’s own hands while repeating, “Why are you hitting yourself, Danger?”

I know I don’t say it often enough, Mom, but… will you make me a sandwich?

You still have the kind of body that sends construction workers to mandatory sensitivity training.

Dear Scientists, I want a robot maid, and I want it now.  Do what I say.  You’re nerds and I could totally pound you.