Humor Sentiments

Friends are the spice from the massive, three-foot-long pepper grinder operated by the over-zealous server’s assistant in the corner table of life.

 

I used to draw mustaches, unibrows, pimples and tooth gaps on the models in magazines, but that was way back at my desk before lunch.

 

The innocence of children can teach us so very much, like simple math or how to spell just their own first name.  Mostly stuff we already know.

 

If only we, as a people, could harness the energy of smiles.  Or hydrogen.  Yeah, let’s go with hydrogen.

 

You’d think that with all those former beauty queens out in the world, we’d have world peace by now.

 

Mom, you’re like a horse whisperer, but with kids and yelling.

 

I wanted to jump out and surprise you on your birthday, but you didn’t open your car trunk even once that whole day.

 

You’re my big brother, but we’re older now… and there are some miles between us… so I feel it’s safe to say that you’re stupid. You’re my stupid, stupid, brother who’s stupid.

 

According to the original calendar of my cultural ancestry, I was born in the year of the breakfast pastry.  And when I think about how I feel inside, that makes a lot of sense.

 

I always say you’re like family, but then I complain a lot about my family, so I feel the need to clarify.  When I say you’re like family, I mean you’re not at all like family.  Clear?