I don’t have the heart to tell my parents that two of the remotes on their coffee table are for players they got rid of already.

Wishing you health, happiness, and maybe a side-look at some cleavage or something.

The Eskimos have 22 words for gratitude.  Or is it snow? Either way, I just need one.  Snow.  I mean, thanks.

May all your taxicab rides be quick and not too smelly.  I figured I’d keep the birthday wish realistic this year.

A brother is a friend who you’re glad you didn’t murder when you planned it out that one time.

Advanced Business Theory: When sneaking out early by crawling past your boss’s office, remove one earring so you can say you’re looking for it, after he trips over you.

In 30 years, your baby’s True Hollywood Story is going to be so boring.  Happiness, success, supportive parents.  YAWN.

Guide to Interpreting a Family Christmas Newsletter: ‘Jenny got her own place’: Jenny’s out of rehab. ‘Billy learned a new trade’: Billy’s taking shop classes in jail.  ‘Petey’s still seeing the world’: No word from Petey.

I talked for hours to this bartender, and I could see the concern for me in his eyes, and after I explained my romantic woes, he said “no hablo”.  And I thought, he’s right.  Don’t talk.  Just get back out there.

I’m trying to drink more water.  I find it helps to heat it and filter it through coffee grounds.