News Anchor, Two Roads Writing, Chris Conti

 

 

 

 

 

A chimp in a Swedish zoo collected a pile of rocks to throw at visitors, proving that apes can plan ahead to be a-holes, just like people.

 

Here’s a video about how to train your cat.  It comes with a tourniquet and a fill-in-the-blank last will and testament.

 

Officials in Oregon may raise the sales tax on beer to upwards of 1900%, causing many economists to worry that people in Oregon will stop buying food for their children.

 

A new company offers “green burials,” where someone’s cremated remains are scattered into the ocean, to be eaten by fish.  Company founder Vinnie “Fingers” Serrano would not say how he got the idea, when he started his business, or how many customers he’s had so far.

 

Two men survived a small plane crash in New Jersey, shocking rescuers, who noted that men from New Jersey rarely survive crashes because of the highly flammable properties of Axe body spray.

 

There was a gay pride parade in Iceland, where the cold weather forced disappointed performers to wear costumes that were modest and tasteful.

 

Fifteen teachers in Shasta Lake, California won a 76 million dollar lottery.  They all said they plan to keep teaching, and then they laughed and laughed.

 

A quarter of a million people in Kentucky have no electricity after a storm must have miraculously brought power to the other millions of people who live in the mountains of Kentucky.

 

The F.B.I. has stated publicly that it needs 850 new agents in order to adequately fulfill its duties, and in doing so has announced to the world that now’s a pretty good time to commit a federal offence.

 

“Guerrilla knitters” have been spreading yarn art graffiti around New Zealand in the most motherly coupe attempt in history.

 

Flight attendants confess that life in the travel service industry is not as glamorous as nobody thinks.

 

The Taliban in Pakistan claims that their leader is still alive after a U.S. air strike, and say they will prove it as soon as they find enough of him to show to the public.

 

The legendary country music duo Brooks and Dunn have announced that they will be ending their almost 20-year collaboration.  It has not yet been made public which one is dating Yoko.

 

The mayors of Hoboken and Secaucus New Jersey have been arrested on charges of corruption because of overwhelming evidence proving that they’re politicians in New Jersey.

 

Thongs, um, that’s “throngs” fill the streets for San Diego’s Gay Pride parade.

 

A teenage boy from California sailed alone around the globe in the world’s most successful attempt to get away from his totally lame parents.

 

A gay penguin couple at the San Francisco Zoo has split up because one of the males has begun mating with a female, while most other penguins in zoos throughout the Midwest just don’t understand those crazy west coast penguins at all.

 

Harry Potter fans find kinship in organizations like the “Dumbledore Army,” which is not only the largest Harry Potter organization in the entire world, but also the very worst army.

 

LaToya Jackson told a London newspaper that she believes Michael was murdered, just in case anyone forgot she’s still the crazy one.

 

The new glass-floored balcony on the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower is now open to the public.  Satisfied tourists say “it’s like you’re vomiting in mid-air!”

 

In this article, you will learn that the problem in these bad economic times is, of course, you.  And you will also learn that the solution is, of course, Oprah.

 

Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has been charged with stalking.  His team of lawyers expressed shock that he made it this far into the year before getting arrested.

 

Americans express shock at news of the U.S. Confederate Cup soccer team’s victory over Spain in the first round of semi-final play, mostly at the news that the U.S. has a Confederate Cup soccer team.

 

Lindsay Lohan’s “topless tweet” is surprising fans, who have gotten used to just seeing her bottomless tweets.

 

Authorities are rushing to ban a hallucinogenic herb known as “magic mint”, according to a government giant talking lizard.

 

New Mexico is breaking ground on a spaceport to offer tourist flights into low orbit on Virgin Galactic. The company hopes to start giving laid off people a new reason to hate the rich as soon as next year.

 

Unused cargo shipping containers are turned into “beautiful homes” in Amsterdam, where environmentally conscious architects stack them into apartment buildings for people who have hopefully never seen actual beautiful homes.

 

Web therapy may help ease insomnia. In a related story, PBS programming is now available online.

 

A 12-year-old Little League baseball player in Massachusetts pitched a perfect game last Friday. The boy credits his accomplishment on good coaching, dedicated practice, and pitching against 12-year-old Little League batters.

 

It’s opening weekend for the new Star Wars movie, so you better hope you don’t need any tech support for the next few days.

 

Paris Hilton’s handlers say she’s a workaholic, but with alcohol.

 

GM says it’s “going for broke,” which is finally a goal everyone thinks it can achieve.

 

Madonna was thrown from a horse Saturday because apparently, fake British accents also annoy horses.

 

General Motors and Segway have teamed up to produce what will soon be the worst selling two-wheeled vehicle of all time.

 

The Dalai Lama has been denied a travel visa to South Africa because there’s only so much hugging an angry nation can take.

 

 

The burning of a U.S. flag in Baghdad this morning signified that it’s morning in Baghdad.

 

The Girl Scouts of America has published a set of ethics guidelines for selling cookies in response to generations of adolescent girls being involved in hard-sell tactics, territorial wars, mafia-style extortion, blackmail and murder.

 

The price of a stamp will go up in May, causing millions of young Americans to ask their parents what a stamp is.

 

A Lebanese farmer has grown a 22-pound mutant potato, in the in the lamest ever attempt at world domination.

 

Stocks are rallying on Wall Street this morning, so you can retire if you do it within the next 20 minutes or so.

 

Houston’s Bush International Airport is setting up karaoke booths for travelers.  So if you’re flying out of Houston, you’re gonna need a barf bag long before you board your plane.

 

An archaeologist has discovered the oldest known piece of Hebrew writing.  It appears to be a letter from a mother to her children, that says, “I’ve invented writing so maybe you can contact me occasionally.  I mean, would it kill you to find out how your mother is doing every once in a while?”

 

Some college presidents want to lower the drinking age to 18.  This comes as a surprise to college students, who thought it was already.

 

There was a 5.4 earth quake in southern California yesterday, sparking the new Hollywood trend of blurry tattoos.

 

As a representative of a new generation of Buddhists, 27-year-old Gedun Gyatso has “challenged” the Dalai Lama in what is sure to be the lamest cage fight ever.

 

New evidence suggests that boy twins may influence their sister twins as early as in the womb, mostly by holding their fingers very close to their sisters’ faces, but not actually touching them.

 

Doctors advise women going through perimenopause to diet and exercise, reduce stress, and consider hormone therapy, while the men in their lives should remove all sharp objects from the home, carry a tranquillizer pistol, and assume their food has been poisoned.

 

76-year-old grandmother, Betty Neumar, was arrested for hiring a hit man to kill her fourth husband.  Police are now looking into the deaths of her previous 3 husbands and one of her children.  So, maybe cut your grandma a little slack next time she goes off about immigration or whatever.

 

A New York news station has reported that hard work actually killed somebody. What do say to that, Dad?!

 

Because of a temporary ban on Tasers, metro police in Memphis have begun shooting hostile suspects with tranquillizer darts.  As a result, hundreds of drug addicts across the city have begun throwing themselves at police.

 

Female crash test dummies will be added to test cars in order to obtain more accurate data about auto safety.  These new dummies will be smaller, more shapely, and will recite various vocal commands that cause the male dummy drivers to make sudden turns, stops, and eventually drive the test cars right off a damn cliff.

 

Health officials have released a public statement warning of the dangers of self body piercing, which can lead to serious injury and infection, saying, “stabbing yourself in the face with a nail is probably a bad idea, Einstein.”

 

10 airports have installed body scanning machines that reveal what passengers may have under their clothes.  Airport security guards, once excited about the new technology have been largely disappointed, saying, “most people are pretty gross.”

 

New research shows that being relaxed can add years to your life, so relax or you’ll die.

 

Pit Bulls have been successfully cloned.  So if you weren’t afraid enough of pit bulls already, just remember that some of them now have no souls.