News Headlines

  • British researchers estimated the amount of alcohol consumed by the character of James Bond, and determined he would be an alcoholic. Also, he’d be a mass murderer, and he’d have roughly 300 children. And he would have been killed five minutes into the first movie anyway.
  • Experts in cyber etiquette say it’s impolite to take a selfie at a funeral. And it’s especially rude to do rabbit ears behind the corpse.
  • Prince Harry and his team of adventurers have reached the South Pole. Let’s see his stupid perfect big brother do that!
  • The world leaders who attended Nelson Mandela’s memorial service are being praised for braving the rain. It’s not quite as brave as enduring 27 years of prison and then peacefully toppling an oppressive government, but still, it was raining.
  • Beyonce has dropped a surprise album. Apparently she woke up this morning to find she had recorded, mixed and produced it in her sleep. She hasn’t seen the videos yet, but they’re probably good, too.