Tag Archives: monologue

News Headlines

  • Mike Tyson is still in what he calls the toughest fight of his life – being a responsible adult. His problem primarily stems from the fact that he keeps trying punch responsibility in the face, bite it, and run it over with his car.
  • A group of Americans was airlifted out of South Sudan because that’s how Americans leave Africa.
  • An American man was sentenced to one year in prison in the United Arab Emirates for making a parody video of that nation’s teen culture. Meanwhile in America, Gallagher is still walking around a free man.
  • Dennis Rodman says he’s left North Korea without ever seeing Kim Jong Un. Actually, he did see him, but the guy is just so tiny.
  • Over 1200 packets of heroin found in Massachusetts were labeled ‘Obama Care.’ Fox News is calling the story ‘a Christmas miracle,’ adding, “No, not a Holiday miracle. There’s no such thing as a Holiday miracle. It’s a Christmas miracle. And by that, yes, we mean literal intervention by God.”

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News Headlines

  • A judge in Utah has overturned that state’s ban on gay marriage, causing a rush of marriage license applications at the county clerk’s office, and enraging opponents, who say no government building should be fabulous.
  • Mike Tyson, at 47, says he’s facing the greatest fight of his life, which is ‘being responsible.’ Executives at Pay Per View Fights expect very low viewer sales.
  • A group is suing California over a new transgender bathroom law. The group says no such bathroom can exist because the stencil illustration of the person on the door would be impossible to identify.
  • Britain has spent 44 million dollars revamping Stonehenge. The monument is now surrounded by a more natural, original environment. Upon hearing of the upgrades, American tourists arrived, wondering where the roller coaster and iMax theater are.
  • Here are some rules to follow when giving gifts at the office. Rule #1 is ‘sexy underwear is a bad idea.’ Rule #2 is ‘joke, novelty underwear is also bad.’

 

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News Headlines

  • North Korea has sent an ‘order for merciless treatment’ to South Korea via fax. But the paper was all curled and the ink was smudged and they  could have just been sending an ‘order for more toner ink’ to the wrong number.
  • Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea, in what is now believed to be the result of a long series of wrongly sent faxes.
  • Blackberry has announced 4.4 billion dollars in losses. Company executives said they were just happy to have Blackberry mentioned in the news.
  • Google has purchased a company that makes military robots, strengthening the position that Google is really a self-aware computer that we will soon all be running from.
  • A new government bill would require cell phones to have a ‘kill switch.’ As soon as the bill is enacted, if a person is suspected of disobeying Google, their cell phone will kill them.

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News Headlines

  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to Russia. Also straight athletes, just FYI.
  • Russian President Putin has implemented a series of ‘anti-gay propaganda’ laws, he says, to protect his society from demonstrations that could at any point become festive.
  • Stocks hit a record as the Fed tapers off stimulus. And from what I know of these things, those words might have to do with money.
  • A disorder called ‘affluenza’ has been identified to describe wealthy people who have a sense of entitlement and behave irresponsibly, in a condition that is not nearly as contagious as people wish it was.
  • A woman who was scrolling on facebook was so focussed on her phone screen that she walked off a pier in Australia. When police asked her what happened, she said “nothing.” After her post on the incident appeared on her screen, she said, “okay, now it has actually happened.”

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News Headlines

  • A new billion-pixel digital space telescope is in orbit. Its operators say it’s powerful enough to measure a human fingernail from the moon, and that it is tasked with taking 3D images of the galaxy. The NSA is not saying why it’s pointed inward at Earth.
  • NASA astronauts say they’re more prepared than ever to conduct short notice emergency space walks. They say they need to be able to react quickly when a suitcase flies off the roof rack and they have to stop and go out and retrieve it.
  • A new amnesty ruling may free Pussy Riot, in a possible Christmas miracle that you will never be able to share with your children.
  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to the Russian Olympics, despite Russia’s history of discrimination. Gay athletes were going to have their own games, but the opening ceremony alone would take 3 days, cost billions, and the athletes would need 2 weeks to recover before competition began.
  • Airlines are trying to make boarding planes faster and easier. So far they’ve come up with having fewer employees, smaller seats and less cabin storage, and higher fees for something, as soon as they find something they’re not already charging you extra for.

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News Headlines

  • North Korean military leaders have announced that their soldiers would act as ‘human bullets’ for their leader, Kim Jong Un. The announcement came after that nation realized they do not own any actual bullets.
  • A Croatian soccer player has been banned from play because he has inspired some fans to chant pro-Nazi rhetoric. The World Cup Soccer Committee says they took action because, “sometimes you just gotta take a stand, and ‘Nazis are bad’ seems like kind of a no-brainer.”
  • A high school student in Duluth, Georgia was suspended for harassment because he hugged a teacher. Administrators said it was their only option because it was their first time ever dealing with a student appreciating a teacher.
  • Jerusalem has a small, little known Ethiopian community. It’s little known mostly because they’re just living there peacefully and not trying to destroy or murder anybody.
  • A 2-year budget deal has passed an important Senate vote. But members of Congress still find themselves at an impasse because they have forgotten what to do after making progress. They say they will spend the holiday break reading up on what step two is again.

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News Headlines

  • The Chinese moon rover has begun exploring the lunar surface, and is learning that everything everybody already knows about the moon is, in fact, true.
  • Former heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield is has joined a group to help try to solve the social turmoil is Syria. When asked what he would be able to bring to the table on the Syria problem, Holyfield said, “hopefully they need boxing.”
  • French President Francois Hollande has announced that he will not attend the upcoming Olympic games in Russia, shortly after Germany’s president Joacaim Gouck announced he would not attend, in protest of Russia’s record of human rights abuses. So that’s 2 fewer seat fans in the stadium, which should fix all human rights problems in Russia.
  • Spanish pro golfer Sergio Garcia has won the Thailand golf championship. He says he owes his victory to his girlfriend, because those Spanish really know what to say to a girl.
  • A new report is listing the 10 best places to spend Christmas. It differs for each person because you enter some information and it tells you the 10 places where your mother-in-law is least likely to be.

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News Headlines

  • The school board of Houston, Texas is the latest to ban all mascots thought to be offensive. The gain in popularity of this trend has students at Finger Lakes Middle School concerned they may lose their beloved mascot, “The Middle Finger.”
  • The body of Nelson Mandela was returned for burial to his boyhood hometown of Qunu. The people of that town say, “Qunu is where Mandela always belonged.” Members of the former Apartheid regime that Mandela toppled in Johannesburg added, “we think so, too.”
  • The man who faked sign language translation during Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has a criminal past. It has been discovered that he used to translate for American tourists to non-English speakers by just yelling really loud English at everyone.
  • The Chinese spacecraft has landed on the moon. Mission scientists plan to spend the first day driving the rover around knocking over all the other flags that are already stuck in the ground everywhere.
  • A group of gun rights advocates in Rhode Island is voting to recall some city council members for changing some gun laws. Most residents of Rhode Island responded by saying, “there are gun laws?”
  • Khloe Kardashian has filed for divorce. Everything was going fine in her marriage, but she says that divorce is just totally in right now.

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News Headlines

  • British researchers estimated the amount of alcohol consumed by the character of James Bond, and determined he would be an alcoholic. Also, he’d be a mass murderer, and he’d have roughly 300 children. And he would have been killed five minutes into the first movie anyway.
  • Experts in cyber etiquette say it’s impolite to take a selfie at a funeral. And it’s especially rude to do rabbit ears behind the corpse.
  • Prince Harry and his team of adventurers have reached the South Pole. Let’s see his stupid perfect big brother do that!
  • The world leaders who attended Nelson Mandela’s memorial service are being praised for braving the rain. It’s not quite as brave as enduring 27 years of prison and then peacefully toppling an oppressive government, but still, it was raining.
  • Beyonce has dropped a surprise album. Apparently she woke up this morning to find she had recorded, mixed and produced it in her sleep. She hasn’t seen the videos yet, but they’re probably good, too.

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News Headlines

  • Former President George W. Bush showed Hillary Clinton some of his artwork. Hillary said it was totally wonderful and she particularly liked the… horse? No, it’s a dog, of course it’s a dog, and it’s going right up here on the fridge.
  • Sony and Microsoft are reportedly in a console war. This is being called good news because they’re two of the very few groups in the world who are not currently at the actual violent kind of war.
  • The city of Monaco is reportedly one of the most expensive places in the world to buy realestate, where it can cost one million U.S. dollars per area roughly 1/16th the size of a tennis court. If you want an idea of how expensive that is, you can’t have one because you’re normal.
  • As soccer gains popularity in the U.S., many reports are becoming unclear as U.S. football and the world name for soccer of ‘football’ are increasingly overlapping in the news. To be able to tell the difference, just remember that when the score is always zero, that’s soccer. Also, player concussions are football and fan concussions are soccer.
  • Several new reports agree that political instability is on the rise throughout the world. The reports were conducted by everyone everywhere who is able to notice anything.

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