The Wisdom of Children: The best way to celebrate victory is to imitate the loser crying.

Never let ’em see you sweat, or flip them off as they’re walking away from you.

It’s better to regret the shoes you bought, than the shoes you didn’t buy.

I think my feelings can best be expressed through interpretive sex.

In a recent effort to simplify my life, I bought more shoes.  I don’t know how that happened.

You’ve made me a better smelling man.

Hey, I have an idea! Let’s not have any more kids!  I know!  I’m a genius!

Congratulations on your parole graduation.  Can you blame me?

I can give a man a sly, discreet, sexy wink, but only if I hold the other eyelid open with my finger.

This is a great time to be alive, but do not say that to my grandma.

I don’t have the heart to tell my parents that two of the remotes on their coffee table are for players they got rid of already.

Wishing you health, happiness, and maybe a side-look at some cleavage or something.

The Eskimos have 22 words for gratitude.  Or is it snow? Either way, I just need one.  Snow.  I mean, thanks.

May all your taxicab rides be quick and not too smelly.  I figured I’d keep the birthday wish realistic this year.

A brother is a friend who you’re glad you didn’t murder when you planned it out that one time.

Advanced Business Theory: When sneaking out early by crawling past your boss’s office, remove one earring so you can say you’re looking for it, after he trips over you.

In 30 years, your baby’s True Hollywood Story is going to be so boring.  Happiness, success, supportive parents.  YAWN.

Guide to Interpreting a Family Christmas Newsletter: ‘Jenny got her own place’: Jenny’s out of rehab. ‘Billy learned a new trade’: Billy’s taking shop classes in jail.  ‘Petey’s still seeing the world’: No word from Petey.

I talked for hours to this bartender, and I could see the concern for me in his eyes, and after I explained my romantic woes, he said “no hablo”.  And I thought, he’s right.  Don’t talk.  Just get back out there.

I’m trying to drink more water.  I find it helps to heat it and filter it through coffee grounds.

(All below pieces of writing are the property of Hallmark Cards, Inc.)

I take my coffee like I take my men; hot, stable, comfortable sharing his feelings, nice job, likes cats, not clingy or too dependent on his mom.

I like to think that the vending machine guy knows me by name because I’m nice to all people and not because I’m often standing there waiting impatiently for him to show up.

My favorite angry hand gesture is to give someone the finger by cranking my other hand like I’m opening an old-fashioned car window.  This is one of many things you would never know about me because I’ve never been that mad at you.

If my favorite childhood doll could talk, she’d probably just scream “Shut Up! God!”  So, maybe it’s better she couldn’t.

My credit cards were suddenly all maxed out, so I suspected identity theft.  But it turns out, no.

Drunk guy at bar pick-up lines:

I want to hear your hopes and dreams, after I go vomit.

Is it hot in here?  Because I can’t stop sweating.

I want to buy you a drink.  Can I borrow ten dollars?

I can see you and me growing old together, or me and your friend over there, either one.

Can I have your boob number?  I mean, your phone boob?

It’s totally inappropriate to cuss, so when I’m absolutely frustrated, I do what my grandma did.  I cuss.  My grandma was awesome.

That day in fifth grade, when we got the lesson in human sexuality, they should have had a slide that diagramed the male commitment phobia.

Friends are the spice from the massive, three-foot-long pepper grinder operated by the over-zealous server’s assistant in the corner table of life.

I used to draw mustaches, unibrows, pimples and tooth gaps on the models in magazines, but that was way back at my desk before lunch.

The innocence of children can teach us so very much, like simple math or how to spell just their own first name.  Mostly stuff we already know.

If only we, as a people, could harness the energy of smiles.  Or hydrogen.  Yeah, let’s go with hydrogen.

You’d think that with all those former beauty queens out in the world, we’d have world peace by now.

Mom, you’re like a horse whisperer, but with kids and yelling.

I wanted to jump out and surprise you on your birthday, but you didn’t open your car trunk even once that whole day.

You’re my big brother, but we’re older now… and there are some miles between us… so I feel it’s safe to say that you’re stupid. You’re my stupid, stupid, brother who’s stupid.

According to the original calendar of my cultural ancestry, I was born in the year of the breakfast pastry.  And when I think about how I feel inside, that makes a lot of sense.

I always say you’re like family, but then I complain a lot about my family, so I feel the need to clarify.  When I say you’re like family, I mean you’re not at all like family.  Clear?

I was watching some children play in a park the other day, and I was reminded of what life can be like when everyone is selfish and mean.

I almost got us tickets to a pan flute concert for your birthday, but then I realized that after three hours and eighty dollars, irony isn’t funny anymore.

The French have a saying about the quiet nobility of aging, and the beauty of life as it progresses over time.  The French think they know everything.

In my perfect world, there are blooming flowers, blue skies, clean air, laughing children, and everybody has to shut up and do what I say.

Add the word ‘beer’ or ’strip’, and no game is boring.

Every time the credit-card reader takes an extra few seconds to approve me, I wonder if my past has finally caught up with me.

I would totally throw myself on a bee for you.

I never respected balloon animal makers until the day I asked for a 3-toed sloth, and I’ll be damned, but the crazy, magnificent son of a bitch pulled it off.

I know all about survival. I once got a scout badge for making one of those cross stick yarn design thingies.  So let me know whatever I can do to help you. I am, as they say, prepared.

You’re my best friend because you taught me how to judge someone I hardly know from really far away.  Maybe I taught you.  Maybe we taught each other, my friend…  Maybe we taught each other.

I think it’s cute that my grandma gives me enough money on my birthday to go to a movie in 1948.

I’m convinced that coffee has health benefits.  Just ask anyone who has tried to talk to me before I’ve had coffee.

In a big department meeting, my boss said that we lose one hundred percent of the races we don’t ever start, and I was the only one who laughed.

A little birdie told me it was your birthday.  So I freaked out and threw away my sinus medication. Birds aren’t supposed to talk.

You’re like Success-Zilla, only not nearly so big-boned.  Congratulations.

It’s a little embarrassing how devastated I can feel when the vending machine is out of chocolate mini donuts.  I wouldn’t admit that to just anyone.

If you’re really good, Santa will give you a kitten.  If you’re really bad, Santa will give you ten kittens.

My grandma told me “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” and I thought, “oh, Grandma, nobody carries baskets anymore.”

True love is indeed hard to find.  Wait, there you are.  That was easy.

Failed projects since you left: Lampshade from used fudge pop sticks.  Replica Colonial village from used fudge pop sticks.  Functioning treadmill from used fudge pop sticks.  Come see me soon.  Bring fudge pops.

I’m a real morning person, after about ten o’clock.

I tried to come up with a compliment you would like, but wouldn’t make you uncomfortable.  Happy birthday, you hairy bastard.  Let me keep thinking.

Whenever life has got me down, I just remember the 28 “F’s,” which start with “Fortitude,” a good one to remember.  #12 is “Floss.” Quite helpful.  #28 is “Funions.”  The first 5 are the only really inspiring ones.

I was going to get you one of those pricey juicers for your birthday, but you know what they have now?  Juice.  For, like, a dollar.

You should call your mom on your birthday and have a nice long conversation about your life.  Hurry up now. Your birthday’s not going to ruin itself.

I tried to schedule your birthday on my new smart phone, but I think I accidentally rerouted a fleet of merchant ships back to the Philippines. Sorry I missed your birthday.  (And sorry there won’t be many coffee makers on the store shelves for a while.)

I wonder if angels have the option of playing an instrument other than the harp.  Though, I guess a drum machine would need an extension cord.

If you have the kind of morning where the air is cool and the birds chirp and land on your shoulder and the squirrels and bunnies rub their sleepy eyes and nuzzle at your ankles, then my wish for you to have a good birthday was totally misinterpreted.

If cats could talk, and gave a crap, they’d wish you a happy birthday.

I saw a sign that said ‘Free Kittens,’ and I thought, “yes. Yes they are.”

I bought some of that ‘lip plumping’ lipstick.  I must’ve gotten some on my ankles.

I once touched an iguana.  It felt like chicken.