Gimme a “Y!” Gimme an “O!” …gimme a second to catch my breath. Gimme a “U!”

You put the “mom” in “awesmom! And you made me stay in school, which turns out was a good idea.

If we didn’t have you, Mom, we’d be eating cereal out of bowls made by Dad of duct tape.  But other than that, it would be bad.

I came across a ball of yarn the other day, and I have to say, the cat is really on to something.

I’ve always wanted to brew my own beer, but it turns out you can buy it already made!

Hope your Valentine’s Day is everything you dreamed it would be… in your twisted little sex brain that you should never speak of

You have nothing to fear except all the coyotes, mountain lions and bears that are encroaching on suburbia.  Go to the city on your birthday.  It’s safer.

You guys are like two flowers that make all the other flowers want to barf with all your P.D.A.

Thanks to middle school phys ed, I know that failure is indeed an option.

Achieving true success in life takes time, effort, preparation, persistence and a “can-do” attitude built from a solid foundation of self-confidence.  So, yeah, count me out.

My inner child hardened into a goiter that I had removed last year.

Pretending to be busy is pretty hard work.  Is that irony?  No work, and no irony, for you today.

You can have my drink when you pry it from my cold wet hand. Also, please don’t.

I think there’s something wrong with my thyroid.  Or my spleen, whichever makes me fat. Pancreas?

You’re never too old to have a miss-spent youth.

The only thing more precious than the sound of children is when they’re not making any noise at all.

So…I’m waiting in line to buy an alarming amount of beer, and I realize you and I haven’t talked in a while.  I wonder what made me think of you.

We put the “Boom!” in “Boomer!” Also the “ouch!” and the “yawwn!” and the “where the hell did I put my keys?!”

Are we too old to try new things?  I hope so.

Your love has kept me from becoming a rogue outlaw, living on my motorcycle, and bar fighting for money.  Well, your love and my generally squishy disposition.  But mostly your love.

The new year is a perfect time to start over, except for my job and my house and my friends and my habits.  I want new clothes, is what I’m saying.

For me, Christmas isn’t about materialism, unless that means you like getting gifts, because then it totally is.

There’s no knitting-related problem that knitting can’t solve.

I like to think that the “Hang in there” kitty hung in there, and is now living happily with the Family of a courageous fire fighter.  I also like to think about fire fighters.

A relaxing drive is a great way to clear your head, especially if your problem is the kind you can run over with your car.

My upcoming anniversary is my diamond anniversary. I don’t care what number it is. I put up with a lot.

If they don’t want me to get Botox, they’ll have to do better than “it’s poison that’s never killed anyone.”

I don’t want to get too sentimental on your birthday… But you’re kind of an ass sometimes. (I think that went well.)

People say “Little Miss Perfect” like it’s a bad thing.

I think there’s someone I need to get in touch with and forgive.  And that someone is that bitch Jenny Perkins from 10th grade and it’s not gonna happen.

My mother always told me never to say “hate”, so let’s get together and talk about people we would enjoy murdering.

You really impress me, but to be honest, I’m still kind of blown away by the invention of the spatula.  I mean, come on, that thing is genius.

I’m pretty sure the key to happiness is to not think too much about anything ever.

Life has its ups and downs and its turns and bumps, but sometimes there’s a bar up there on the left, so life is good sometimes, also.

I’ve been trying to convince my boss to wear a bell.

I like to think of my dating life as more of a catch and release program for wild morons. Next time you’re at a bar, avoid guys with tagged ears.

I look back to when we were younger, and I really feel like I owe you.  But your birthday is not time to focus on revenge.  That will come sometime later.  When you least expect it.

You’re living proof of how high a person can rise from such humble, awkward, smelly, pimpled, webbed-footed, hunch-backed beginnings.

You’re the kind of sister that most people write stories about.  With titles that usually start with Return Of, Revenge Of, or Curse Of.

The truth is that you’re not nearly as ugly as all the wilderness animals I will continue to compare you to.  Happy Birthday, gorilla arms.

All the young girls out there who think that being young is better, obviously don’t know about the random sweating, which is really fun.

You know, no one would mess with you if they knew how unstable I am.

I may not have all the answers you need right now. But I can yell “What an a-hole!” a bunch of times really loud.  And that just might help a little.

Stress is a process that comes in stages: anger, disappointment, yelling, drinking alcohol, eating chocolate, drinking more alcohol, yelling more…  And I’ll be right there with you through every step of the way.

Congratulations, graduate.  Now please hurry up and fix the world right now.

Is there an emotion called ‘smoochy’?  Because I’m feeling something right now and I’m pretty sure it’s smoochy.

Someday in the future… I don’t know when… you and I will go shopping and waste money, and it will be beautiful.

The only reason why women are a mystery is because men are idiots.

People are going to tell you it’s not so bad.  Try very hard not to punch those people in the face.

Friendship is the greatest birthday gift you can expect from a cheap friend.

I know that, as my friend, you’d always be there for me.  Like if I ever needed a hug, or a loan, or a kidney, or a heart.  Not your liver. I’ve seen how you treat that thing.

All I need is you.  And coffee.  And my allergy medicine.  And my special pillow.  But mostly just you.

I miss you so much I’m totally unmotivated at work, I can’t get organized, and I hate my boss, which is a lot like when you were here.  But now I also miss you.

I’m pretty keyed up to help you, and I’ve watched a lot of karate movies, is all I’m saying.

You will never have to ask me if I have time to help you, or if I’d like another round, or if I’d like to see the dessert cart.  That’s just the kind of friend I am.

Mom, I have a very important question about raising my kids.  Can you please raise my kids? Seriously.  I’ll pay you a lot.

Don’t Shoot! I’m not a zombie!  I just haven’t had my coffee yet!

Oxygen will begin to flow for those passengers who pay a nominal fee.

Things to be proud of #25: I’ve never been swabbed for a DNA sample.

I’m a pacifist, so whoever’s bothering you is going to be shocked when I bring the pain.

Below are several examples of humor sentiments written primarily for greeting card, cartoons and jokes for various websites.

(All below pieces of writing are the property of Hallmark Cards, Inc.)

The right thing to say: Hey, I forgot to tell you your grandma called.  The wrong place to say it: Grandma’s Funeral.

What’s so great about a handmade gift?  If you want to impress me, make something with your feet.

Here’s Something I Learned The Hard Way:

If an interviewer requires a urine sample, he doesn’t mean right there in his office.

Question To Never Ask At A Job Interview:

“Where would you prefer I wipe this booger?”

You’re welcome.

I’m going off to find myself.  I’m pretty sure I’m in a bar somewhere.

When life gives you lemons, find me.  Life gives me vodka all the time.

I tried a cucumber mask, but the ranch dip really stung my eyes.

When I’m elected Mayor, there will be a parade on your birthday!  And the bars will flow with free beer!  And the economy will collapse!  And the infrastructure will crumble!  And the City Council will impeach me!  All on your birthday!  It’ll be awesome!

I know I don’t exercise as much as I should, but for a very good reason.  It sucks and I hate it. Hey! That’s two very good reasons!

I just read that the key to health for a man your age is to start a diet and exercise routine ten years ago.