Tag Archives: writer

News Headlines

  • North Korea has sent an ‘order for merciless treatment’ to South Korea via fax. But the paper was all curled and the ink was smudged and they  could have just been sending an ‘order for more toner ink’ to the wrong number.
  • Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea, in what is now believed to be the result of a long series of wrongly sent faxes.
  • Blackberry has announced 4.4 billion dollars in losses. Company executives said they were just happy to have Blackberry mentioned in the news.
  • Google has purchased a company that makes military robots, strengthening the position that Google is really a self-aware computer that we will soon all be running from.
  • A new government bill would require cell phones to have a ‘kill switch.’ As soon as the bill is enacted, if a person is suspected of disobeying Google, their cell phone will kill them.

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Humor Sentiments

I’m not saying that supermodels ruined everything for everyone, but they kind of did, so I guess I kind of am.

 

It’s never too late!  Unless it’s 10:30 on a weeknight, because then it’s too late.  Let’s party on the nearest weekend night to your birthday.

 

Hey, it’s a good thing brain cells grow back, am I right?

 

If your newborn baby starts acting up, then try reasoning with it in a calm voice, using a simple set of logical arguments.  That’d be funny.

 

I believe that children are the future.  I wish people would control their screaming, bratty future.

 

What’s that hyperactivity disorder? Because I think I have the opposite of that.

 

Hey, all you old high school jocks! Where are you now?! Oh look, you’re right there on facebook looking so fit and prosperous. Good for you.

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News Headlines

  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to Russia. Also straight athletes, just FYI.
  • Russian President Putin has implemented a series of ‘anti-gay propaganda’ laws, he says, to protect his society from demonstrations that could at any point become festive.
  • Stocks hit a record as the Fed tapers off stimulus. And from what I know of these things, those words might have to do with money.
  • A disorder called ‘affluenza’ has been identified to describe wealthy people who have a sense of entitlement and behave irresponsibly, in a condition that is not nearly as contagious as people wish it was.
  • A woman who was scrolling on facebook was so focussed on her phone screen that she walked off a pier in Australia. When police asked her what happened, she said “nothing.” After her post on the incident appeared on her screen, she said, “okay, now it has actually happened.”

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Humor Sentiments

Tofu is a great alternative because… Wait, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 

I have the heart of a poet, and the soul of a poet.  I just don’t have the poems of a poet.

 

If you can’t kill them with kindness, then wound them with a stapler or your keys.  Or sick me on them.

 

Sometimes I’ll think about something you said, and I’ll laugh, and then the other people choosing tomatoes at the grocery store will wonder what’s so funny about that tomato.

 

I can give a man a sly, discrete, sexy wink, but only if I hold the other eye-lid open with my finger.

 

I should really learn more about the econom(zzzzzz).

 

Thanks.  You really saved my butt. Next time, please just save half of it.

 

Having a little brother taught me how to deal with danger.  Now, I laugh at danger.  I headlock and wedgie danger.  I grab danger’s wrists and hit danger in the chest with danger’s own hands while repeating, “Why are you hitting yourself, Danger?”

 

I know I don’t say it often enough, Mom, but… will you make me a sandwich?

 

You still have the kind of body that sends construction workers to mandatory sensitivity training.

 

Dear Scientists, I want a robot maid, and I want it now.  Do what I say.  You’re nerds and I could totally pound you.

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News Headlines

  • A new billion-pixel digital space telescope is in orbit. Its operators say it’s powerful enough to measure a human fingernail from the moon, and that it is tasked with taking 3D images of the galaxy. The NSA is not saying why it’s pointed inward at Earth.
  • NASA astronauts say they’re more prepared than ever to conduct short notice emergency space walks. They say they need to be able to react quickly when a suitcase flies off the roof rack and they have to stop and go out and retrieve it.
  • A new amnesty ruling may free Pussy Riot, in a possible Christmas miracle that you will never be able to share with your children.
  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to the Russian Olympics, despite Russia’s history of discrimination. Gay athletes were going to have their own games, but the opening ceremony alone would take 3 days, cost billions, and the athletes would need 2 weeks to recover before competition began.
  • Airlines are trying to make boarding planes faster and easier. So far they’ve come up with having fewer employees, smaller seats and less cabin storage, and higher fees for something, as soon as they find something they’re not already charging you extra for.

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Humor Sentiments

Great! You have another accomplishment! Hurry up and tell my mom so she can compare us some more!

 

I was totally focused on your birthday, but then I saw something shiny and heard a car horn and suddenly it was three days later.

 

I’m pretty sure that hard work kills people all the time.

 

I’ve got a martini shaker and I’m not afraid to use it.

 

I believe it was Plato who said, “Friendship is a shared vision.”  And then Socrates was like “that’s awesome.” and then Plato was all “I know, right?” And then they high-fived and did a total chest bump thug hug.

 

You are the yin to my whatever the other part is called. Yeah…You’re that.

 

Famous Last Words on Valentine’s Day: “It’s Valentine’s Day?”

 

I don’t have a 5-year plan per se, but I do have a very clear 5 p.m. plan.

 

Don’t you hate it when people use dangling participles of?

 

(Those 100-calorie packs are a real treat!) x 5 = reality

 

I’m a “glass is half-full, so let’s flag down the bar tender now” kind of guy.

 

My father always used to say “money something grumble don’t!”

I still think of that to this very day.

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News Headlines

  • North Korean military leaders have announced that their soldiers would act as ‘human bullets’ for their leader, Kim Jong Un. The announcement came after that nation realized they do not own any actual bullets.
  • A Croatian soccer player has been banned from play because he has inspired some fans to chant pro-Nazi rhetoric. The World Cup Soccer Committee says they took action because, “sometimes you just gotta take a stand, and ‘Nazis are bad’ seems like kind of a no-brainer.”
  • A high school student in Duluth, Georgia was suspended for harassment because he hugged a teacher. Administrators said it was their only option because it was their first time ever dealing with a student appreciating a teacher.
  • Jerusalem has a small, little known Ethiopian community. It’s little known mostly because they’re just living there peacefully and not trying to destroy or murder anybody.
  • A 2-year budget deal has passed an important Senate vote. But members of Congress still find themselves at an impasse because they have forgotten what to do after making progress. They say they will spend the holiday break reading up on what step two is again.

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Humor Sentiments

Gimme a “Y!” Gimme an “O!” …gimme a second to catch my breath. Gimme a “U!”

 

You put the “mom” in “awesmom! And you made me stay in school, which turns out was a good idea.

 

If we didn’t have you, Mom, we’d be eating cereal out of bowls made by Dad of duct tape.  But other than that, it would be bad.

 

I came across a ball of yarn the other day, and I have to say, the cat is really on to something.

 

I’ve always wanted to brew my own beer, but it turns out you can buy it already made!

 

Hope your Valentine’s Day is everything you dreamed it would be… in your twisted little sex brain that you should never speak of

 

You have nothing to fear except all the coyotes, mountain lions and bears that are encroaching on suburbia.  Go to the city on your birthday.  It’s safer.

 

You guys are like two flowers that make all the other flowers want to barf with all your P.D.A.

 

Thanks to middle school phys ed, I know that failure is indeed an option.

 

Achieving true success in life takes time, effort, preparation, persistence and a “can-do” attitude built from a solid foundation of self-confidence.  So, yeah, count me out.

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News Headlines

  • The Chinese moon rover has begun exploring the lunar surface, and is learning that everything everybody already knows about the moon is, in fact, true.
  • Former heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield is has joined a group to help try to solve the social turmoil is Syria. When asked what he would be able to bring to the table on the Syria problem, Holyfield said, “hopefully they need boxing.”
  • French President Francois Hollande has announced that he will not attend the upcoming Olympic games in Russia, shortly after Germany’s president Joacaim Gouck announced he would not attend, in protest of Russia’s record of human rights abuses. So that’s 2 fewer seat fans in the stadium, which should fix all human rights problems in Russia.
  • Spanish pro golfer Sergio Garcia has won the Thailand golf championship. He says he owes his victory to his girlfriend, because those Spanish really know what to say to a girl.
  • A new report is listing the 10 best places to spend Christmas. It differs for each person because you enter some information and it tells you the 10 places where your mother-in-law is least likely to be.

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