Monthly Archives: December 2013

News Headlines

  • North Korea has sent an ‘order for merciless treatment’ to South Korea via fax. But the paper was all curled and the ink was smudged and they  could have just been sending an ‘order for more toner ink’ to the wrong number.
  • Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea, in what is now believed to be the result of a long series of wrongly sent faxes.
  • Blackberry has announced 4.4 billion dollars in losses. Company executives said they were just happy to have Blackberry mentioned in the news.
  • Google has purchased a company that makes military robots, strengthening the position that Google is really a self-aware computer that we will soon all be running from.
  • A new government bill would require cell phones to have a ‘kill switch.’ As soon as the bill is enacted, if a person is suspected of disobeying Google, their cell phone will kill them.

Humor Sentiments

I’m not saying that supermodels ruined everything for everyone, but they kind of did, so I guess I kind of am.

 

It’s never too late!  Unless it’s 10:30 on a weeknight, because then it’s too late.  Let’s party on the nearest weekend night to your birthday.

 

Hey, it’s a good thing brain cells grow back, am I right?

 

If your newborn baby starts acting up, then try reasoning with it in a calm voice, using a simple set of logical arguments.  That’d be funny.

 

I believe that children are the future.  I wish people would control their screaming, bratty future.

 

What’s that hyperactivity disorder? Because I think I have the opposite of that.

 

Hey, all you old high school jocks! Where are you now?! Oh look, you’re right there on facebook looking so fit and prosperous. Good for you.

News Headlines

  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to Russia. Also straight athletes, just FYI.
  • Russian President Putin has implemented a series of ‘anti-gay propaganda’ laws, he says, to protect his society from demonstrations that could at any point become festive.
  • Stocks hit a record as the Fed tapers off stimulus. And from what I know of these things, those words might have to do with money.
  • A disorder called ‘affluenza’ has been identified to describe wealthy people who have a sense of entitlement and behave irresponsibly, in a condition that is not nearly as contagious as people wish it was.
  • A woman who was scrolling on facebook was so focussed on her phone screen that she walked off a pier in Australia. When police asked her what happened, she said “nothing.” After her post on the incident appeared on her screen, she said, “okay, now it has actually happened.”

Humor Sentiments

Tofu is a great alternative because… Wait, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

 

I have the heart of a poet, and the soul of a poet.  I just don’t have the poems of a poet.

 

If you can’t kill them with kindness, then wound them with a stapler or your keys.  Or sick me on them.

 

Sometimes I’ll think about something you said, and I’ll laugh, and then the other people choosing tomatoes at the grocery store will wonder what’s so funny about that tomato.

 

I can give a man a sly, discrete, sexy wink, but only if I hold the other eye-lid open with my finger.

 

I should really learn more about the econom(zzzzzz).

 

Thanks.  You really saved my butt. Next time, please just save half of it.

 

Having a little brother taught me how to deal with danger.  Now, I laugh at danger.  I headlock and wedgie danger.  I grab danger’s wrists and hit danger in the chest with danger’s own hands while repeating, “Why are you hitting yourself, Danger?”

 

I know I don’t say it often enough, Mom, but… will you make me a sandwich?

 

You still have the kind of body that sends construction workers to mandatory sensitivity training.

 

Dear Scientists, I want a robot maid, and I want it now.  Do what I say.  You’re nerds and I could totally pound you.

News Headlines

  • A new billion-pixel digital space telescope is in orbit. Its operators say it’s powerful enough to measure a human fingernail from the moon, and that it is tasked with taking 3D images of the galaxy. The NSA is not saying why it’s pointed inward at Earth.
  • NASA astronauts say they’re more prepared than ever to conduct short notice emergency space walks. They say they need to be able to react quickly when a suitcase flies off the roof rack and they have to stop and go out and retrieve it.
  • A new amnesty ruling may free Pussy Riot, in a possible Christmas miracle that you will never be able to share with your children.
  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to the Russian Olympics, despite Russia’s history of discrimination. Gay athletes were going to have their own games, but the opening ceremony alone would take 3 days, cost billions, and the athletes would need 2 weeks to recover before competition began.
  • Airlines are trying to make boarding planes faster and easier. So far they’ve come up with having fewer employees, smaller seats and less cabin storage, and higher fees for something, as soon as they find something they’re not already charging you extra for.

Notes On Fatherhood

All’s Quiet On The Midwestern Front

My son does not know how to not make noise. Mostly through talking, but also through singing and sound effects such as gunfire, explosions and the screams of villains and heroes alike. All on top of the background noise of stomping, toys equipped with sound effects and crashing furniture. All the various childhood activity clamor.

An advantage of this ‘condition,’ is that he is always easy to find, even when he is hiding. “Can you find me? Can you find me?” Yes, even though I thought the ‘go hide and I’ll come find you’ trick might buy me 45 seconds of quiet. Also, he cannot help but reveal every detail of every event in his life, real or imagined, so his mother and I get the benefit of his brutal honesty about everything, always, from whether or not he received a behavior warning at school that day, usually for talking, to what he thought could be improved in the lunch his mother provided for him that day. That last advantage is really more of a start of the downslide toward the long list of drawbacks.

The drawbacks are myriad and sweeping, and range from not being able to have a conversation with someone who is not him, to not being able to hear the television. That TV one makes me a bad father, I realize (“Please stop trying to emotionally connect with me, I’m trying to watch a fake family try to fake emotionally connect.”). The simplest drawback is one we don’t always remember until he has fallen asleep – that we have forgotten what quiet sounds like. Sweet, precious, golden quiet.

At school conferences, his teachers call him ‘social,’ with a tone that deepens with each rising grade level. His mom and I sheepishly agree, and promise to help him curb his need for constant interaction, knowing full well we have no idea how to do this, and have not ever succeeded to even dent his noise-making armor.

Even right now, as I type this, he is acting out a fight between two plastic dinosaur toys just inches from my keyboard. “Daddy look, Daddy look, grrrraaarrr!” “Yes, I see. Yes, I see. Yes, there it is right in front of my face, I see it, right effing there, biting holes in my train of thought.”

What was I typing? Oh yeah. Part of the problem, maybe all of it, is that our efforts to quiet him are too subtle. His endless social engagement and imagination come from a place of happiness – an exuberance with his life, a sense of identity. And we as his parents cherish this for him, and cannot bring ourselves to squelch it. Like all young children, he does not ask, ‘who am I, why am I here?’ – a question that will no doubt creep up soon enough, as his perspective widens with maturity. And there’s no need to rush that existential cross we each eventually build for ourselves to carry. After experiencing some of the more serious downsides of being a grown-up, as we all have and will, I have come to believe that among the many responsibilities of parenthood is the effort to provide your child with as carefree and happy a childhood as possible.

We realize fully that being an only child and our sole focus for his entire life has taught him that he is the center of the universe. And so, when people are treating him as though he is not the center of said universe, he seems to feel the need to remind everyone within earshot that they are wrong, that we all orbit around him, and so all attention gravity must pull back toward him for the moon and tides and all to remain in balance.

But his talkative nature has been the case since day one, it seems, rather than learned via our undivided attention. Before he could talk he would vocalize almost constantly. And when he first began to piece words together, he would talk until his throat was sore. He would talk until he fell asleep mid-statement, and had at times, quite literally, woken up and finished that statement.

And still now, while in the shower: “Daddy, what’s a baselisk?” (From Harry Potter?) While using the bathroom (him, or me): “Daddy, do you know the difference between a pterodactyl and a pteranodon?” (Because he wants to know? Or because he wants to demonstrate that he knows and I don’t?). He is also the very worst ninja of all time; stealth being surely the most basic of skills for even the most novice of ninjas. “I’m sneaking up on you. You don’t see me.” Pretty sure that’s not how that works.

And, anytime we are driving anywhere, even the 90 seconds it takes to drive to school. “Daddy, do you want to play Fighter Pilots? Police Patrol? Coast Guard Rescue Ship? Tank Battle?” Sometimes Daddy just wants to drive. I’ve even said, “let’s pretend we’re a father and son driving somewhere and we’re very late so the dad has to concentrate on driving.” “Okay, daddy. The daddy is speeding. That’s dangerous and against the law. The mommy would be mad.” I know Mommy will hear about the speeding at dinner later, but she will smile, knowing her driving has always been speedier. For now, as long as we are pretending, and he can narrate what is happening, he is content.

So, fine. Talk, son. Talk and talk and talk. We’ve all heard a parent say “he’s going to be an architect” while watching their son build some simplistic and precarious block mound. Or, “she’s going into fashion” because she’s wearing a tutu and cowgirl vest at the grocery store.

What will our son be? The sole anchor of a 24-hour news channel? The next great actor to don the famous screaming Godzilla suit? A professional diversion while others sneak quietly elsewhere? Sure, there’s ‘radio announcer’ or ‘politician,’ but he has given me more fantastical hopes, and louder expectations.

Humor Sentiments

Great! You have another accomplishment! Hurry up and tell my mom so she can compare us some more!

 

I was totally focused on your birthday, but then I saw something shiny and heard a car horn and suddenly it was three days later.

 

I’m pretty sure that hard work kills people all the time.

 

I’ve got a martini shaker and I’m not afraid to use it.

 

I believe it was Plato who said, “Friendship is a shared vision.”  And then Socrates was like “that’s awesome.” and then Plato was all “I know, right?” And then they high-fived and did a total chest bump thug hug.

 

You are the yin to my whatever the other part is called. Yeah…You’re that.

 

Famous Last Words on Valentine’s Day: “It’s Valentine’s Day?”

 

I don’t have a 5-year plan per se, but I do have a very clear 5 p.m. plan.

 

Don’t you hate it when people use dangling participles of?

 

(Those 100-calorie packs are a real treat!) x 5 = reality

 

I’m a “glass is half-full, so let’s flag down the bar tender now” kind of guy.

 

My father always used to say “money something grumble don’t!”

I still think of that to this very day.

News Headlines

  • North Korean military leaders have announced that their soldiers would act as ‘human bullets’ for their leader, Kim Jong Un. The announcement came after that nation realized they do not own any actual bullets.
  • A Croatian soccer player has been banned from play because he has inspired some fans to chant pro-Nazi rhetoric. The World Cup Soccer Committee says they took action because, “sometimes you just gotta take a stand, and ‘Nazis are bad’ seems like kind of a no-brainer.”
  • A high school student in Duluth, Georgia was suspended for harassment because he hugged a teacher. Administrators said it was their only option because it was their first time ever dealing with a student appreciating a teacher.
  • Jerusalem has a small, little known Ethiopian community. It’s little known mostly because they’re just living there peacefully and not trying to destroy or murder anybody.
  • A 2-year budget deal has passed an important Senate vote. But members of Congress still find themselves at an impasse because they have forgotten what to do after making progress. They say they will spend the holiday break reading up on what step two is again.