The Wisdom of Children: The best way to celebrate victory is to imitate the loser crying.

Never let ’em see you sweat, or flip them off as they’re walking away from you.

It’s better to regret the shoes you bought, than the shoes you didn’t buy.

I think my feelings can best be expressed through interpretive sex.

In a recent effort to simplify my life, I bought more shoes.  I don’t know how that happened.

You’ve made me a better smelling man.

Hey, I have an idea! Let’s not have any more kids!  I know!  I’m a genius!

Congratulations on your parole graduation.  Can you blame me?

I can give a man a sly, discreet, sexy wink, but only if I hold the other eyelid open with my finger.

This is a great time to be alive, but do not say that to my grandma.