Tag Archives: Jokes

News Headlines

  • A 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck Turkey on Saturday. The temors caused a several moments of calm as people knew that nobody can shoot at each other accurately for those few precious seconds.
  • A federal judge ruled that the NSA gathering of telephone data is legal, saying in his brief, “look, man, I don’t want any trouble.”
  • A large gang of teenagers stormed a shopping mall in Brooklyn, causing chaos, fear and damage. Mall officials could only disperse the teens after making them realize that Brooklyn is not in New Jersey.
  • A group of penguins at a zoo in Korea were dressed in Santa costumes, to the delight of young and old. Young and old people, that is. The penguins seemed   indifferent and at times mildly annoyed for some reason.
  • The AARP has released a list of 22 activities people should never do again after turning 50, like going roller skating or doing a split. They cut the original list down because #23 is not to waste any of the precious little time you have left reading a list that is one thousand items long.

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News Headlines

  • A judge in Utah has overturned that state’s ban on gay marriage, causing a rush of marriage license applications at the county clerk’s office, and enraging opponents, who say no government building should be fabulous.
  • Mike Tyson, at 47, says he’s facing the greatest fight of his life, which is ‘being responsible.’ Executives at Pay Per View Fights expect very low viewer sales.
  • A group is suing California over a new transgender bathroom law. The group says no such bathroom can exist because the stencil illustration of the person on the door would be impossible to identify.
  • Britain has spent 44 million dollars revamping Stonehenge. The monument is now surrounded by a more natural, original environment. Upon hearing of the upgrades, American tourists arrived, wondering where the roller coaster and iMax theater are.
  • Here are some rules to follow when giving gifts at the office. Rule #1 is ‘sexy underwear is a bad idea.’ Rule #2 is ‘joke, novelty underwear is also bad.’

 

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News Headlines

  • North Korea has sent an ‘order for merciless treatment’ to South Korea via fax. But the paper was all curled and the ink was smudged and they  could have just been sending an ‘order for more toner ink’ to the wrong number.
  • Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea, in what is now believed to be the result of a long series of wrongly sent faxes.
  • Blackberry has announced 4.4 billion dollars in losses. Company executives said they were just happy to have Blackberry mentioned in the news.
  • Google has purchased a company that makes military robots, strengthening the position that Google is really a self-aware computer that we will soon all be running from.
  • A new government bill would require cell phones to have a ‘kill switch.’ As soon as the bill is enacted, if a person is suspected of disobeying Google, their cell phone will kill them.

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News Headlines

  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to Russia. Also straight athletes, just FYI.
  • Russian President Putin has implemented a series of ‘anti-gay propaganda’ laws, he says, to protect his society from demonstrations that could at any point become festive.
  • Stocks hit a record as the Fed tapers off stimulus. And from what I know of these things, those words might have to do with money.
  • A disorder called ‘affluenza’ has been identified to describe wealthy people who have a sense of entitlement and behave irresponsibly, in a condition that is not nearly as contagious as people wish it was.
  • A woman who was scrolling on facebook was so focussed on her phone screen that she walked off a pier in Australia. When police asked her what happened, she said “nothing.” After her post on the incident appeared on her screen, she said, “okay, now it has actually happened.”

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News Headlines

  • A new billion-pixel digital space telescope is in orbit. Its operators say it’s powerful enough to measure a human fingernail from the moon, and that it is tasked with taking 3D images of the galaxy. The NSA is not saying why it’s pointed inward at Earth.
  • NASA astronauts say they’re more prepared than ever to conduct short notice emergency space walks. They say they need to be able to react quickly when a suitcase flies off the roof rack and they have to stop and go out and retrieve it.
  • A new amnesty ruling may free Pussy Riot, in a possible Christmas miracle that you will never be able to share with your children.
  • The U.S. is sending gay athletes to the Russian Olympics, despite Russia’s history of discrimination. Gay athletes were going to have their own games, but the opening ceremony alone would take 3 days, cost billions, and the athletes would need 2 weeks to recover before competition began.
  • Airlines are trying to make boarding planes faster and easier. So far they’ve come up with having fewer employees, smaller seats and less cabin storage, and higher fees for something, as soon as they find something they’re not already charging you extra for.

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News Headlines

  • North Korean military leaders have announced that their soldiers would act as ‘human bullets’ for their leader, Kim Jong Un. The announcement came after that nation realized they do not own any actual bullets.
  • A Croatian soccer player has been banned from play because he has inspired some fans to chant pro-Nazi rhetoric. The World Cup Soccer Committee says they took action because, “sometimes you just gotta take a stand, and ‘Nazis are bad’ seems like kind of a no-brainer.”
  • A high school student in Duluth, Georgia was suspended for harassment because he hugged a teacher. Administrators said it was their only option because it was their first time ever dealing with a student appreciating a teacher.
  • Jerusalem has a small, little known Ethiopian community. It’s little known mostly because they’re just living there peacefully and not trying to destroy or murder anybody.
  • A 2-year budget deal has passed an important Senate vote. But members of Congress still find themselves at an impasse because they have forgotten what to do after making progress. They say they will spend the holiday break reading up on what step two is again.

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Humor Sentiments

Gimme a “Y!” Gimme an “O!” …gimme a second to catch my breath. Gimme a “U!”

 

You put the “mom” in “awesmom! And you made me stay in school, which turns out was a good idea.

 

If we didn’t have you, Mom, we’d be eating cereal out of bowls made by Dad of duct tape.  But other than that, it would be bad.

 

I came across a ball of yarn the other day, and I have to say, the cat is really on to something.

 

I’ve always wanted to brew my own beer, but it turns out you can buy it already made!

 

Hope your Valentine’s Day is everything you dreamed it would be… in your twisted little sex brain that you should never speak of

 

You have nothing to fear except all the coyotes, mountain lions and bears that are encroaching on suburbia.  Go to the city on your birthday.  It’s safer.

 

You guys are like two flowers that make all the other flowers want to barf with all your P.D.A.

 

Thanks to middle school phys ed, I know that failure is indeed an option.

 

Achieving true success in life takes time, effort, preparation, persistence and a “can-do” attitude built from a solid foundation of self-confidence.  So, yeah, count me out.

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News Headlines

  • The Chinese moon rover has begun exploring the lunar surface, and is learning that everything everybody already knows about the moon is, in fact, true.
  • Former heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield is has joined a group to help try to solve the social turmoil is Syria. When asked what he would be able to bring to the table on the Syria problem, Holyfield said, “hopefully they need boxing.”
  • French President Francois Hollande has announced that he will not attend the upcoming Olympic games in Russia, shortly after Germany’s president Joacaim Gouck announced he would not attend, in protest of Russia’s record of human rights abuses. So that’s 2 fewer seat fans in the stadium, which should fix all human rights problems in Russia.
  • Spanish pro golfer Sergio Garcia has won the Thailand golf championship. He says he owes his victory to his girlfriend, because those Spanish really know what to say to a girl.
  • A new report is listing the 10 best places to spend Christmas. It differs for each person because you enter some information and it tells you the 10 places where your mother-in-law is least likely to be.

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Humor Sentiments

My inner child hardened into a goiter that I had removed last year.

 

Pretending to be busy is pretty hard work.  Is that irony?  No work, and no irony, for you today.

 

You can have my drink when you pry it from my cold wet hand. Also, please don’t.

 

I think there’s something wrong with my thyroid.  Or my spleen, whichever makes me fat. Pancreas?

 

You’re never too old to have a miss-spent youth.

 

The only thing more precious than the sound of children is when they’re not making any noise at all.

 

So…I’m waiting in line to buy an alarming amount of beer, and I realize you and I haven’t talked in a while.  I wonder what made me think of you.

 

We put the “Boom!” in “Boomer!” Also the “ouch!” and the “yawwn!” and the “where the hell did I put my keys?!”

 

Are we too old to try new things?  I hope so.

 

Your love has kept me from becoming a rogue outlaw, living on my motorcycle, and bar fighting for money.  Well, your love and my generally squishy disposition.  But mostly your love.

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Humor Sentiments

The new year is a perfect time to start over, except for my job and my house and my friends and my habits.  I want new clothes, is what I’m saying.

 

For me, Christmas isn’t about materialism, unless that means you like getting gifts, because then it totally is.

 

There’s no knitting-related problem that knitting can’t solve.

 

I like to think that the “Hang in there” kitty hung in there, and is now living happily with the Family of a courageous fire fighter.  I also like to think about fire fighters.

 

A relaxing drive is a great way to clear your head, especially if your problem is the kind you can run over with your car.

 

My upcoming anniversary is my diamond anniversary. I don’t care what number it is. I put up with a lot.

 

If they don’t want me to get Botox, they’ll have to do better than “it’s poison that’s never killed anyone.”

 

I don’t want to get too sentimental on your birthday… But you’re kind of an ass sometimes. (I think that went well.)

 

People say “Little Miss Perfect” like it’s a bad thing.

 

I think there’s someone I need to get in touch with and forgive.  And that someone is that bitch Jenny Perkins from 10th grade and it’s not gonna happen.

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