Great! You have another accomplishment! Hurry up and tell my mom so she can compare us some more!

I was totally focused on your birthday, but then I saw something shiny and heard a car horn and suddenly it was three days later.

I’m pretty sure that hard work kills people all the time.

I’ve got a martini shaker and I’m not afraid to use it.

I believe it was Plato who said, “Friendship is a shared vision.”  And then Socrates was like “that’s awesome.” and then Plato was all “I know, right?” And then they high-fived and did a total chest bump thug hug.

You are the yin to my whatever the other part is called. Yeah…You’re that.

Famous Last Words on Valentine’s Day: “It’s Valentine’s Day?”

I don’t have a 5-year plan per se, but I do have a very clear 5 p.m. plan.

Don’t you hate it when people use dangling participles of?

(Those 100-calorie packs are a real treat!) x 5 = reality

I’m a “glass is half-full, so let’s flag down the bar tender now” kind of guy.

My father always used to say “money something grumble don’t!”

I still think of that to this very day.