(All writing and visuals are the property of Hallmark Cards, Inc.)
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Myrna looked more like
her husband every year.
(inside)
Even after all these years,
thank goodness you don’t look anything like me.
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They thought they heard it was a ‘Buddhist colony’
but hell yes they were staying.
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“I’ve got your blood thinner, your potassium injections, your testosterone, And your
muscle cramp relaxer.”
(inside)
The sex toys may change,
but the love stays the same.
“Ha ha! Balls! I just got that!”
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The waiting room for the mug shots was as fun as the party that got them arrested in the first place.
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(inside)
On your birthday,
definitely Party Boobs.
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Another year of giving a big, fat “up yours”
to the Grimm Reaper.
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At the exact moment of her death,
Phyllis could not have been happier.
(inside)
May you be as happy as
Phyllis, for as long.
“You’ve still got glitter
on your cleavage.”
“I’ll shower before church.”
(inside)
We’ll be tearing it up
for quite a few years to come.
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“I may as well just lick this train and stick it right on my thighs.”
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“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you’re stupid.”
(inside)
I’m not so sure that getting older
is the source of all our problems.
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“No, ladies, not cocoa butter.
Just butter.”
(inside)
I hope you don’t get attacked
by seagulls on your birthday.
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He was the Chicken Man.
And the Chicken Man was
good at one thing.
And that one thing was drywall.
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Let me know if you need me
to back you up by screaming
like a little baby girl in a skirt
and pigtails.
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“I wish I’d never taken that one jazz dance class.
Then, I’d never know.”
(inside)
No regrets, my friend. No regrets.
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“And God, I’ve been praying
for a while now for the ability
to melt faces with my anger,
and I really don’t think it’s
too much to ask.”
(inside)
I hope you get everything
you ask for on your birthday.
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“I’ve come to really enjoy our quiet afternoons together, Timmy.”
“Me, too, ma’am.”
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I’ve hardly had time to miss you at all
with all the new friends I’m making.
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‘Loser gets his head shaved’
isn’t quite the high stakes
it used to be.
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She had ten grand cash and a fake passport,
and the girls were just rounding the corner to pick her up.
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Rosa finally figured out how to
draw attention away from her
huge feet.
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“Five more minutes, honey.”
(inside)
Hope you get some much deserved rest today.
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“Now, this orange is more expensive, but it’s organic.”
“This kid eats orange crayons. I’ll take the cheap ones.”
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Understanding Women: A Support Group For Men
“Okay, has anyone figured out anything about women since last time?
One thing. Anyone?
No? Okay.
Let’s adjourn until next time.”
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The thing is, his dating web site
headshot was totally accurate.
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“We’ll always have each other.”
“Thanks, man.”
(He was talking to the beer.)
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