Tag Archives: freelance

News Headlines

  • The school board of Houston, Texas is the latest to ban all mascots thought to be offensive. The gain in popularity of this trend has students at Finger Lakes Middle School concerned they may lose their beloved mascot, “The Middle Finger.”
  • The body of Nelson Mandela was returned for burial to his boyhood hometown of Qunu. The people of that town say, “Qunu is where Mandela always belonged.” Members of the former Apartheid regime that Mandela toppled in Johannesburg added, “we think so, too.”
  • The man who faked sign language translation during Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has a criminal past. It has been discovered that he used to translate for American tourists to non-English speakers by just yelling really loud English at everyone.
  • The Chinese spacecraft has landed on the moon. Mission scientists plan to spend the first day driving the rover around knocking over all the other flags that are already stuck in the ground everywhere.
  • A group of gun rights advocates in Rhode Island is voting to recall some city council members for changing some gun laws. Most residents of Rhode Island responded by saying, “there are gun laws?”
  • Khloe Kardashian has filed for divorce. Everything was going fine in her marriage, but she says that divorce is just totally in right now.

Humor Sentiments

My mother always told me never to say “hate”, so let’s get together and talk about people we would enjoy murdering.

 

You really impress me, but to be honest, I’m still kind of blown away by the invention of the spatula.  I mean, come on, that thing is genius.

 

I’m pretty sure the key to happiness is to not think too much about anything ever.

 

Life has its ups and downs and its turns and bumps, but sometimes there’s a bar up there on the left, so life is good sometimes, also.

 

I’ve been trying to convince my boss to wear a bell.

 

I like to think of my dating life as more of a catch and release program for wild morons. Next time you’re at a bar, avoid guys with tagged ears.

 

I look back to when we were younger, and I really feel like I owe you.  But your birthday is not time to focus on revenge.  That will come sometime later.  When you least expect it.

 

You’re living proof of how high a person can rise from such humble, awkward, smelly, pimpled, webbed-footed, hunch-backed beginnings.

 

You’re the kind of sister that most people write stories about.  With titles that usually start with Return Of, Revenge Of, or Curse Of.

 

The truth is that you’re not nearly as ugly as all the wilderness animals I will continue to compare you to.  Happy Birthday, gorilla arms.

News Headlines

  • British researchers estimated the amount of alcohol consumed by the character of James Bond, and determined he would be an alcoholic. Also, he’d be a mass murderer, and he’d have roughly 300 children. And he would have been killed five minutes into the first movie anyway.
  • Experts in cyber etiquette say it’s impolite to take a selfie at a funeral. And it’s especially rude to do rabbit ears behind the corpse.
  • Prince Harry and his team of adventurers have reached the South Pole. Let’s see his stupid perfect big brother do that!
  • The world leaders who attended Nelson Mandela’s memorial service are being praised for braving the rain. It’s not quite as brave as enduring 27 years of prison and then peacefully toppling an oppressive government, but still, it was raining.
  • Beyonce has dropped a surprise album. Apparently she woke up this morning to find she had recorded, mixed and produced it in her sleep. She hasn’t seen the videos yet, but they’re probably good, too.

Driving East Across Kansas

A man is steering a water tractor

in the breakdown lane, intruding

fifteen feet across the highway,

and now I see he’s a woman.

But I’m not feeling funny right now.

 

Metaphors are everywhere,

but today has been too long

and straight forward

for even the sad ones.

 

The windmills just turn.

The hills just are.

This tractor is just in my way.

 

I remember a Chinese proverb that states

someone with one disease to manage

is healthier than someone with none,

but we all have several diseases to manage,

don’t we?

 

I sit, unstartled and self-annoyed,

with a bent neck and a lazy eye,

past a prison. Past an army base.

 

 

Pumping gas, a couple debates

which letter from John says

what they need it to say and above them

the moon is full and right there

in the middle of the afternoon.

 

A billboard reads: ‘Choose Life’,

and pictures a baby, who is saying:

‘I could smile before I was born’.

Humor Sentiments

All the young girls out there who think that being young is better, obviously don’t know about the random sweating, which is really fun.

 

You know, no one would mess with you if they knew how unstable I am.

 

I may not have all the answers you need right now. But I can yell “What an a-hole!” a bunch of times really loud.  And that just might help a little.

 

Stress is a process that comes in stages: anger, disappointment, yelling, drinking alcohol, eating chocolate, drinking more alcohol, yelling more…  And I’ll be right there with you through every step of the way.

 

Congratulations, graduate.  Now please hurry up and fix the world right now.

 

Is there an emotion called ‘smoochy’?  Because I’m feeling something right now and I’m pretty sure it’s smoochy.

 

Someday in the future… I don’t know when… you and I will go shopping and waste money, and it will be beautiful.

 

The only reason why women are a mystery is because men are idiots.

 

People are going to tell you it’s not so bad.  Try very hard not to punch those people in the face.

 

Friendship is the greatest birthday gift you can expect from a cheap friend.

News Headlines

  • Former President George W. Bush showed Hillary Clinton some of his artwork. Hillary said it was totally wonderful and she particularly liked the… horse? No, it’s a dog, of course it’s a dog, and it’s going right up here on the fridge.
  • Sony and Microsoft are reportedly in a console war. This is being called good news because they’re two of the very few groups in the world who are not currently at the actual violent kind of war.
  • The city of Monaco is reportedly one of the most expensive places in the world to buy realestate, where it can cost one million U.S. dollars per area roughly 1/16th the size of a tennis court. If you want an idea of how expensive that is, you can’t have one because you’re normal.
  • As soccer gains popularity in the U.S., many reports are becoming unclear as U.S. football and the world name for soccer of ‘football’ are increasingly overlapping in the news. To be able to tell the difference, just remember that when the score is always zero, that’s soccer. Also, player concussions are football and fan concussions are soccer.
  • Several new reports agree that political instability is on the rise throughout the world. The reports were conducted by everyone everywhere who is able to notice anything.

I Call Myself a Renaissance Man But Never Out Loud

Wood carving is my latest hobby,

my latest need for new tools to place just so on top of old tools.

 

Hook blades, triangle chisels, razor spoons dreamed by Dr. Seuss

and gifts via my wife’s rolling eyes

from my five year old son, the reason I need a hobby,

and one I can sample in ten-minute increments.

 

And so I carved a spoon so big it could feed the world,

my version of starting small.

 

I sharpen, hone, strop, learn about

woods that shape, work well when wet, green.

There’s just something about sharpening, being sharp,

that makes me inhale.

 

At first and as always my hobby was

research, preparation, accumulation, anticipation

of satisfying in this instance my need to squeeze, to flex my hands,

like kneading pasta dough or washing my son’s hair.

Squeeze till my forearms hum and my fingers open by themselves.

 

My wife wonders why I pay more at a thrift store

for items like a retired aluminum slaughterhouse ice shovel,

how it could be better at clearing snow.

But it is better at holding my son,

Who sits in the palm of it, and then I toss him onto the pile,

and he rolls down the other side, laughing.

I imagine the curator in a hundred years

prying open the crate, utilizing his grandfather’s crowbar

and forearms of his own,

seeing my signature and knowing he has stumbled upon

an original Conti, the fabled Giant Spoon.

My signature a smudge of blood

usually from my left thumb left on every piece I’ve touched.

Spoons of increasing smallness.

But what more proof could he need, could I leave,

than that.

Humor Sentiments

I know that, as my friend, you’d always be there for me.  Like if I ever needed a hug, or a loan, or a kidney, or a heart.  Not your liver. I’ve seen how you treat that thing.

 

All I need is you.  And coffee.  And my allergy medicine.  And my special pillow.  But mostly just you.

 

I miss you so much I’m totally unmotivated at work, I can’t get organized, and I hate my boss, which is a lot like when you were here.  But now I also miss you.

 

I’m pretty keyed up to help you, and I’ve watched a lot of karate movies, is all I’m saying.

 

You will never have to ask me if I have time to help you, or if I’d like another round, or if I’d like to see the dessert cart.  That’s just the kind of friend I am.

 

Mom, I have a very important question about raising my kids.  Can you please raise my kids? Seriously.  I’ll pay you a lot.

 

Don’t Shoot! I’m not a zombie!  I just haven’t had my coffee yet!

 

Oxygen will begin to flow for those passengers who pay a nominal fee.

 

Things to be proud of #25: I’ve never been swabbed for a DNA sample.

 

I’m a pacifist, so whoever’s bothering you is going to be shocked when I bring the pain.

News Headlines

  • Pope Francis was named Time Magazine’s 2013 Person of the Year. The Pope responded by saying, “this sort of accolade does not really mean anything. If it did, there’d be a little cash in it for me.”
  • The founder of a French breast implant manufacturer has been jailed for fraud. A French prosecutor said he was outraged when he realized that his favorite topless dancer’s breasts weren’t real.
  • NASA has released an illustration of a possible extinct lake on Mars, which may have contained sufficient material to support life. NASA then drew some little Martians flying around on jet packs and having a laser gun fight, saying that also could have happened, and that studying rocks from very far away for your entire career can get pretty boring.
  • 200,000 people have already applied to be among the first to live on Mars. NASA then had to reiterate that the illustration of those Martians was not real.
  •  Co-star of the hit TV sitcom Modern Family, Sophia Vergara, shares her secrets to success. First, be really stunningly gorgeous. Then, just still be gorgeous, and that’s it.

News Headlines

  • Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea. Stay tuned for the upcoming film of inspiration about a fledgling Olympic basketball team from an obscure little nation that comes in last but inspires anyway before returning home to shame and execution.
  • Vice President Joe Biden arrived in China amid tensions over China’s increase in military airspace that now overlaps with Japan’s. Biden said there should be no tension because, “Japan is a city in China, so what’s the problem?”
  • Biden visited a U.S. travel visa office in China to thank the people waiting in line for wanting to visit the U.S. He also told them to ‘challenge their government,’ because by the time they’ve been imprisoned, he’ll be back in the U.S. playing skee ball at Dave and Busters.
  • A truck in Mexico carrying radioactive Cobalt-60 to a hospital Tijuana for use in medical treatments was hijacked. Mexican authorities expressed satisfaction that this was the closest this truck shipment has ever gotten to its destination before being hijacked.
  • Also in Mexico, the Michoacana Cartel has threatened to harm Catholic priests unless the Archdiocese pays protection money. The Archbishop of Mexico City said that they would not pay, because the church answers to a higher power, The Sinaloa Cartel.
  • Merriam-Webster’s word of the year for 2013 is the word ‘science,’ beating out the more expected word ‘selfie,’ which was Britan’s Oxford Dictionary word of the year. Webster said that ‘science’ was the most searched word on the internet this year in the U.S. because now more than ever, American children do not know what science is.
  • Also in the U.S., an activist group has gone to court in an attempt to give chimpanzees the same rights to ‘bodily liberty’ as a human. They argue that chimps should have the same rights as a ‘human person’ because it can now be proven that chimps are equal to American school children in their knowledge of science.