Monthly Archives: December 2013

Driving East Across Kansas

A man is steering a water tractor

in the breakdown lane, intruding

fifteen feet across the highway,

and now I see he’s a woman.

But I’m not feeling funny right now.

 

Metaphors are everywhere,

but today has been too long

and straight forward

for even the sad ones.

 

The windmills just turn.

The hills just are.

This tractor is just in my way.

 

I remember a Chinese proverb that states

someone with one disease to manage

is healthier than someone with none,

but we all have several diseases to manage,

don’t we?

 

I sit, unstartled and self-annoyed,

with a bent neck and a lazy eye,

past a prison. Past an army base.

 

 

Pumping gas, a couple debates

which letter from John says

what they need it to say and above them

the moon is full and right there

in the middle of the afternoon.

 

A billboard reads: ‘Choose Life’,

and pictures a baby, who is saying:

‘I could smile before I was born’.

Humor Sentiments

All the young girls out there who think that being young is better, obviously don’t know about the random sweating, which is really fun.

 

You know, no one would mess with you if they knew how unstable I am.

 

I may not have all the answers you need right now. But I can yell “What an a-hole!” a bunch of times really loud.  And that just might help a little.

 

Stress is a process that comes in stages: anger, disappointment, yelling, drinking alcohol, eating chocolate, drinking more alcohol, yelling more…  And I’ll be right there with you through every step of the way.

 

Congratulations, graduate.  Now please hurry up and fix the world right now.

 

Is there an emotion called ‘smoochy’?  Because I’m feeling something right now and I’m pretty sure it’s smoochy.

 

Someday in the future… I don’t know when… you and I will go shopping and waste money, and it will be beautiful.

 

The only reason why women are a mystery is because men are idiots.

 

People are going to tell you it’s not so bad.  Try very hard not to punch those people in the face.

 

Friendship is the greatest birthday gift you can expect from a cheap friend.

News Headlines

  • Former President George W. Bush showed Hillary Clinton some of his artwork. Hillary said it was totally wonderful and she particularly liked the… horse? No, it’s a dog, of course it’s a dog, and it’s going right up here on the fridge.
  • Sony and Microsoft are reportedly in a console war. This is being called good news because they’re two of the very few groups in the world who are not currently at the actual violent kind of war.
  • The city of Monaco is reportedly one of the most expensive places in the world to buy realestate, where it can cost one million U.S. dollars per area roughly 1/16th the size of a tennis court. If you want an idea of how expensive that is, you can’t have one because you’re normal.
  • As soccer gains popularity in the U.S., many reports are becoming unclear as U.S. football and the world name for soccer of ‘football’ are increasingly overlapping in the news. To be able to tell the difference, just remember that when the score is always zero, that’s soccer. Also, player concussions are football and fan concussions are soccer.
  • Several new reports agree that political instability is on the rise throughout the world. The reports were conducted by everyone everywhere who is able to notice anything.

Notes on Creativity

(The below essay is the property of Hallmark Cards, Inc.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love to think.

But thinking down similar avenues for a living sometimes feels like eating chocolate ice cream if you had to down ten gallons of it per day. That is to say ‘eventually tiresome’, I should clarify.

So, how do I refuel? I’ve tried to not think. I wish I could unplug my upper brain lobes and spend the weekend functioning from the stem like the primordial lungfish I used to be, but alas I as yet find that impossible, though playing with my 8-year-old son is always refreshingly stupid (and life-affirming bla bla).

And so I am left to distract myself with alternative thoughts – thoughts of wood, of metal, of the physical construction of tangible objects of three dimensions. I am a hobby carpenter and blacksmith.

I build structures of oak and mahogany and wrought iron, sometimes not badly, and when I can I use traditional, non-electric hand tools. I build tables and bookstands and wine racks and dovetail joined boxes and shelving of mixed materials. I have an unfinished project on every scrap of space in my workroom, which irks my wife (another pastime).

And, I’m currently helping my brother build a barn on his farm in Virginia, where I recently operated a 35-foot forklift crane. I actually had to avoid taking my sinus medicine that day because I planned to operate heavy machinery. Yup. That happened. If you are thinking this is awesome, you are correct. If you are thinking this is not awesome, you are not correct, because it’s awesome.

There is nothing more impressive to me than a well-made object and the well-made, well-used tools that built it; as squarely formed and deeply good as any poem. And the result is as solid and lasting as any good piece of writing. Robert Frost told me that, and he was right. The few pieces I’ve actually finished feel like finding just the right anapest to encapsulate a stanza on a downbeat. Ha, you know what I’m talkin’ about. Or making someone laugh. That one I’m serious about.

So, build something. Use the right tool, take your time, try, sharpen your axe (I prefer the Olde English spelling). Think only of the task at hand, or ruin the piece, maybe get hurt. There is more than one stain on the pieces I’ve made from when I spilled a bit of blood. Makes them all the more mine. Though that could come back to haunt me if one I’ve given away ends up as evidence in a crime scene. I didn’t think of that until just now. Gotta go.

 

 

Chris Conti, a writer born in Boston to the Boston Contis, weighs a rough 13-stone, owns a full .3 hectares of suburbia, and enjoys all that stuff you just read, plus other stuff, like cooking, Italian language, writing jokes, run-on sentences and being left alone, and who love/hates exercise, greeting a brand new day and Italian people, and who hates the ground hog who lives under his front porch and being asked “how bad do you want it?!” because his answer is always “see ‘being left alone’ under ‘likes’.”

 

I Call Myself a Renaissance Man But Never Out Loud

Wood carving is my latest hobby,

my latest need for new tools to place just so on top of old tools.

 

Hook blades, triangle chisels, razor spoons dreamed by Dr. Seuss

and gifts via my wife’s rolling eyes

from my five year old son, the reason I need a hobby,

and one I can sample in ten-minute increments.

 

And so I carved a spoon so big it could feed the world,

my version of starting small.

 

I sharpen, hone, strop, learn about

woods that shape, work well when wet, green.

There’s just something about sharpening, being sharp,

that makes me inhale.

 

At first and as always my hobby was

research, preparation, accumulation, anticipation

of satisfying in this instance my need to squeeze, to flex my hands,

like kneading pasta dough or washing my son’s hair.

Squeeze till my forearms hum and my fingers open by themselves.

 

My wife wonders why I pay more at a thrift store

for items like a retired aluminum slaughterhouse ice shovel,

how it could be better at clearing snow.

But it is better at holding my son,

Who sits in the palm of it, and then I toss him onto the pile,

and he rolls down the other side, laughing.

I imagine the curator in a hundred years

prying open the crate, utilizing his grandfather’s crowbar

and forearms of his own,

seeing my signature and knowing he has stumbled upon

an original Conti, the fabled Giant Spoon.

My signature a smudge of blood

usually from my left thumb left on every piece I’ve touched.

Spoons of increasing smallness.

But what more proof could he need, could I leave,

than that.

Humor Sentiments

I know that, as my friend, you’d always be there for me.  Like if I ever needed a hug, or a loan, or a kidney, or a heart.  Not your liver. I’ve seen how you treat that thing.

 

All I need is you.  And coffee.  And my allergy medicine.  And my special pillow.  But mostly just you.

 

I miss you so much I’m totally unmotivated at work, I can’t get organized, and I hate my boss, which is a lot like when you were here.  But now I also miss you.

 

I’m pretty keyed up to help you, and I’ve watched a lot of karate movies, is all I’m saying.

 

You will never have to ask me if I have time to help you, or if I’d like another round, or if I’d like to see the dessert cart.  That’s just the kind of friend I am.

 

Mom, I have a very important question about raising my kids.  Can you please raise my kids? Seriously.  I’ll pay you a lot.

 

Don’t Shoot! I’m not a zombie!  I just haven’t had my coffee yet!

 

Oxygen will begin to flow for those passengers who pay a nominal fee.

 

Things to be proud of #25: I’ve never been swabbed for a DNA sample.

 

I’m a pacifist, so whoever’s bothering you is going to be shocked when I bring the pain.

News Headlines

  • Pope Francis was named Time Magazine’s 2013 Person of the Year. The Pope responded by saying, “this sort of accolade does not really mean anything. If it did, there’d be a little cash in it for me.”
  • The founder of a French breast implant manufacturer has been jailed for fraud. A French prosecutor said he was outraged when he realized that his favorite topless dancer’s breasts weren’t real.
  • NASA has released an illustration of a possible extinct lake on Mars, which may have contained sufficient material to support life. NASA then drew some little Martians flying around on jet packs and having a laser gun fight, saying that also could have happened, and that studying rocks from very far away for your entire career can get pretty boring.
  • 200,000 people have already applied to be among the first to live on Mars. NASA then had to reiterate that the illustration of those Martians was not real.
  •  Co-star of the hit TV sitcom Modern Family, Sophia Vergara, shares her secrets to success. First, be really stunningly gorgeous. Then, just still be gorgeous, and that’s it.

News Headlines

  • It has been revealed that the NSA has been spying on players of World of Warcraft. Until this fact was made public, everyone just thought there was a really awesome player out there named NSA69.
  • A 12-year old middle school boy has discovered how cold weather can effect the trajectory of a golfball. The study could decrease a players golf score, though the boy still hasn’t worked out how to decrease the number of wedgies he gets.
  • China has launched its first ever unmanned rover to the moon in its race to space versus its western aerospace rivals. Its biggest challenge will be navigating around all the western nations’ old abandoned rovers from 50 years ago.
  • Britney Spears has one serious regret in her career. Shaving her head? No. Marrying her friend in Vegas for 5 hours? Nope. Flopping at the Grammys a couple years ago. Nu-uh. Let’s see… filming Crossroads? Noooope. Dumping Justin Timberlake for K. Fed? Still no. That reality show. That’s the one thing. Just that one.
  • Apple and Microsoft may merge in 5 to 10 years, so be prepared at that point for space/time to collapse on itself.

News Headlines

  • Joseph Knudson, a factory employee in Akron, New York, is retiring after 40 years of working on an assembly line. Knudson is being praised for never taking a single sick day in his entire career, and fortunately not being billed for the over 1600 sick days he caused other workers to take because he didn’t stay home when he was contagious.
  • Smart phone apps such as Siri may soon be able to dispense personal advice, such as “leave him” if a woman complains excessively about her boyfriend over time. This has only been experienced so far by people who used to hear voices in their heads, and all Siri ever says is “murder him.”
  • It’s been 50 years since the ‘Youth Revolution’ in America. That generation has taken up a new ‘Get Off My Lawn!‘ revolution.
  • A new trend in architecture is large commercial buildings intended to ‘turn you on.’ These curvy structures evoke feelings of sexuality in the architects who really ought to get out more.
  • Nigerian man Tony Allen, in a new biography, is said to be the world’s greatest drummer. The biography was written by someone who obviously doesn’t know about the Muppet, Animal.
  • Officials in Madison, Wisconsin are putting a stop to a ‘professional cuddling’ business, suspecting it’s an obvious front for a prostitution ring. One official said, “we all know it’s what every guy says just before he tries to make a move.”
  • A breed of flying cockroach, previously only found in Asia, that can withstand winter’s freezing temperatures, is infesting New York City. Conservatives blame Obama’s lax stance on immigration.