Ask A Humor Writer

  • What’s the best exercise for overall fitness?

Personally, I cross-train, starting with a run from the convenience store back to my house while being chased by a neighborhood dog who’s on the angry side of his electric fence.  I follow this with a military-style crawl through the basement window entrance to my apartment.  Or, if the run doesn’t go so well, I do a straight-arm hang from a tree in my yard, with the added weight of a 15-pound dog hanging by its jaws from my pant leg.  Diet is also important.  Caffeine and sugar are effective metabolism boosters, and look for anything that’s “fortified” because “fortified” means it’s fortified with stuff.  Also, on those days when my workout goes poorly and I find myself hanging from that tree, I skip my next meal by throwing a bag of snack cakes, corn chips and an energy drink onto the sidewalk to distract the dog for long enough for me to move on to the military crawl portion of my workout.  If I’m starving, however, I then have to face the reality of yelling to my mom to get her stupid dog off me.