I’m convinced that coffee has health benefits.  Just ask anyone who has tried to talk to me before I’ve had coffee.

In a big department meeting, my boss said that we lose one hundred percent of the races we don’t ever start, and I was the only one who laughed.

A little birdie told me it was your birthday.  So I freaked out and threw away my sinus medication. Birds aren’t supposed to talk.

You’re like Success-Zilla, only not nearly so big-boned.  Congratulations.

It’s a little embarrassing how devastated I can feel when the vending machine is out of chocolate mini donuts.  I wouldn’t admit that to just anyone.

If you’re really good, Santa will give you a kitten.  If you’re really bad, Santa will give you ten kittens.

My grandma told me “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” and I thought, “oh, Grandma, nobody carries baskets anymore.”

True love is indeed hard to find.  Wait, there you are.  That was easy.

Failed projects since you left: Lampshade from used fudge pop sticks.  Replica Colonial village from used fudge pop sticks.  Functioning treadmill from used fudge pop sticks.  Come see me soon.  Bring fudge pops.

I’m a real morning person, after about ten o’clock.