Joseph Knudson, a factory employee in Akron, New York, is retiring after 40 years of working on an assembly line. Knudson is being praised for never taking a single sick day in his entire career, and fortunately not being billed for the over 1600 sick days he caused other workers to take because he didn’t stay home when he was contagious.
Smart phone apps such as Siri may soon be able to dispense personal advice, such as “leave him” if a woman complains excessively about her boyfriend over time. This has only been experienced so far by people who used to hear voices in their heads, and all Siri ever says is “murder him.”
It’s been 50 years since the ‘Youth Revolution’ in America. That generation has taken up a new ‘Get Off My Lawn!‘ revolution.
A new trend in architecture is large commercial buildings intended to ‘turn you on.’ These curvy structures evoke feelings of sexuality in the architects who really ought to get out more.
Nigerian man Tony Allen, in a new biography, is said to be the world’s greatest drummer. The biography was written by someone who obviously doesn’t know about the Muppet, Animal.
Officials in Madison, Wisconsin are putting a stop to a ‘professional cuddling’ business, suspecting it’s an obvious front for a prostitution ring. One official said, “we all know it’s what every guy says just before he tries to make a move.”
A breed of flying cockroach, previously only found in Asia, that can withstand winter’s freezing temperatures, is infesting New York City. Conservatives blame Obama’s lax stance on immigration.
American Airlines and U.S. Air have been approved to merge. The merger was halted by the government until American explained that it doesn’t plan to use U.S. Air’s fleet, it’s just going to cram all the additional seats onto their own planes.
American citizen Merrill Newman was released from North Korea because he was able to prove that he was in fact only a tourist. Upon his return to U.S. soil, Newman said, “that Rick Steves is full of crap.”
CNN is offering seven tips for successful solo travel. Tip #1 is “Don’t go to North Korea.” Tip #2 is “DON’T GO TO NORTH KOREA!”
American singer Jennifer Grout was eliminated from the TV show Arabs Got Talent. Fans expressed outrage until they realized that she was simply being peacefully sent home from the competition and not the usual Middle East version of ‘eliminated’ that involves death.
Here is a list of recommendations for setting up your Christmas tree. #1: Pointy side up.
For the first time in almost 20 years, 160 countries agreed on a trade agreement that is estimated to boost the world economy by 1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much money 1 trillion dollars really is, imagine if an apple was worth one hundred billion dollars. Then you’d have ten apples.
The current blast of winter weather has chilled cities as typically warm as Las Vegas, where people are struggling with the fact that all the women are all modestly bundled in clothing.
Prince Harry is trekking with a group of wounded war veterans in an attempt to reach the South Pole. The Prince is trying to bring attention to the wounded veterans, but really we all know it’s just another pathetic attempt for the Prince to try and finally get a girl to like him.
CNN reporters were granted access inside Japan’s damaged Fukushima nuclear power plant. They’re reports of progress, and their eyes, were glowing.
85-year old U.S. citizen Merrill Newton was recently deported from North Korea and returned home. He said the thing he missed the most about the U.S. is the food. When reporters asked him which foods, he replied, “no, I missed the existence of actual food.”
Dennis Rodman has returned to North Korea. Stay tuned for the upcoming film of inspiration about a fledgling Olympic basketball team from an obscure little nation that comes in last but inspires anyway before returning home to shame and execution.
Vice President Joe Biden arrived in China amid tensions over China’s increase in military airspace that now overlaps with Japan’s. Biden said there should be no tension because, “Japan is a city in China, so what’s the problem?”
Biden visited a U.S. travel visa office in China to thank the people waiting in line for wanting to visit the U.S. He also told them to ‘challenge their government,’ because by the time they’ve been imprisoned, he’ll be back in the U.S. playing skee ball at Dave and Busters.
A truck in Mexico carrying radioactive Cobalt-60 to a hospital Tijuana for use in medical treatments was hijacked. Mexican authorities expressed satisfaction that this was the closest this truck shipment has ever gotten to its destination before being hijacked.
Also in Mexico, the Michoacana Cartel has threatened to harm Catholic priests unless the Archdiocese pays protection money. The Archbishop of Mexico City said that they would not pay, because the church answers to a higher power, The Sinaloa Cartel.
Merriam-Webster’s word of the year for 2013 is the word ‘science,’ beating out the more expected word ‘selfie,’ which was Britan’s Oxford Dictionary word of the year. Webster said that ‘science’ was the most searched word on the internet this year in the U.S. because now more than ever, American children do not know what science is.
Also in the U.S., an activist group has gone to court in an attempt to give chimpanzees the same rights to ‘bodily liberty’ as a human. They argue that chimps should have the same rights as a ‘human person’ because it can now be proven that chimps are equal to American school children in their knowledge of science.